I'm 44, going on 45 in September.
Old. 'Nuff said.

After about 20, I began to realize
I knew less than I thought.
Then there was the
"OMG, the more I know,
The more I realize I know nothing" stage.
That lasted until about five years ago.
Then I thought I knew something again.

I thought I realized that eternity was relative
To the years and years and lives and lives
Spent God-only-knows-where
(God knows I barely remember THIS life)
Doing God-only-knows what
But, definitely, incurring Karma
(whatever that means)
And that somehow, it was all relevant,
That my existence has meaning somehow, someway.

I thought that, since it’s mostly small potatoes,
It barely matters what I choose or don't choose.
The Earth, in her infinite state of flux,
Will either be here or not.
And if I serve a God for whom Earth was a
Relatively simple task,
Surely there will be other planets to support life.

And then I thought –
Why?
Why would I want to incarnate
Yet again
When I continually seem to embrace misery
Or joy, whichever.
It's all about being bound to an existence
In this material realm.
And WHY would I want to do this again and again?
Endure the sufferings, the drama,
The stolen moments of laughing
When, in death……

Ahhhhh, there is the rub.
....in death.....what?
Which is the dream and
Which is reality?
Is it all an elaborate hoax
Set up to…WHAT???????
WHAT IS THE POINT???

Today, this is what I know.

I am a pitiful human being
Full of mistakes and failures
And I don't deserve any mercy.

But I find it every day –
In the sweet scent of a carnation,
Or my daughter's laughter,
The wind playing with my hair,
My dogs' gleeful wagging when they see me,
The patient and tender look in a lover's eyes.

THIS is the point.
AND it is what binds me to experience.
THAT is the biggest illusion.

It's what it all boils down to.

Ack.

I'm afraid I've got a hairball.

08/06/2007

Posted on 08/07/2007
Copyright © 2024 Alison McKenzie