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Lines of 3 or 4
by Alison McKenzie(This is an experiment in style, comments greatly appreciated!!!)
THREE
Colors bright and mute
The threads of attachment
Weaving the fabric of lifetimes
Fixed knots of love and flesh
Hold me fast
My lifeblood flowing through your heart
I cannot slip away
Your satin lips and hands
Pull me close and safe
Unravel me back
Take away these cords
Liberate my soul
Oh but dont leave
The sigh of my fear
Nearing the precipice
Soar with me to phantasias palace
Slumbers lush asylum
And stay with me.
FOUR
Colors bright and mute
Tightly woven
The threads of attachment
Weaving the fabric of lifetimes
Fixed knots of love and flesh
Hold me fast
My lifeblood flowing through your heart
And back to me
I cannot slip away
Your satin lips and hands
Pull me close and safe
Our custom couplings
Unravel me back
Simplicity of one
Take away these cords
Liberate my soul
Oh but dont leave
The sigh of my fear
Echoes across space
Nearing the precipice
Soar with me to phantasias palace
Slumbers lush asylum
And stay with me.
Stay.
07/05/2007 Author's Note: Just wondering which style makes for a more interesting read...
Posted on 07/06/2007
Copyright © 2024 Alison McKenzie
| Member Comments on this Poem |
| Posted by A. Paige White on 07/06/07 at 03:09 AM This was a fascinating experiment. I liked the four line stanzas better. Go figure. I'd never noticed I had a preference before. As I reread it to see what the difference could be, I can't really tell why I would prefer it that way. Fascinating. Makes me want to cry too. It's a cry of my heart I can't express in words. It just made me miss Chip more. |
| Posted by Tony Whitaker on 07/06/07 at 12:36 PM The first four stanzas of the quatrian and the last two of THREE make for the best read for me. The added words in the fourth lines of the last two stanzas could either be changed to "fit" better with the fantastic flow of the first four quatrains! Quite an excellent show of different form, and even some structure difference, depending on your interpretation of your intent in the last two stanzas. |
| Posted by James Zealy on 07/06/07 at 03:27 PM I prefer the 3 Ali. Too me the original flows naturally, and sometimes less is more. I find the additional lines in the four restrict the lyrical flow of the piece, and really do not add to the poem. It is a lovely write which ever you choose. |
| Posted by Anita Mac on 07/08/07 at 12:13 AM I think either works. I rather enjoyed the contrast being right there. Nice. |
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