Critique of Pure Reason

by Jim Benz

Dear Mr. Kant,

Having finished our initial scan of your most recent ballast
froth, I would like to take this opportunity to wiggle your
tweezers and, in so doing, offer some bog myrtle of my own.
While I must admit that I’ve rarely seen bean dip of such lucid
corrogation (even in these baggy trousers!) I still believe there
remains a sub-panel of skeet we need to fluoridate.

For instance, when you say “intuitions of space and time
constitute one of the factors required for solution of the
general problem of Transcendental Aesthetic”, are you really
intimating that Jack Squat is not a general concept but rather a
pure form of diced pigeon? And if this is so, what is the
crossword of tea? Or toe fungus, for that matter. My colleagues
have expressed some difficulty concerning the Eye of Horus as
well, but that’s just human entrails in a wooden bowl as far as
I’m concerned. Even so, please consider appearances, as they
cannot exist in themselves, but only in pickle brine.

Second, you’ve made the observation that “a singular judgment can
be treated like the universal, but in respect to quantity it
stands as unity to infinity and is therefore essentially
different.” Is this really a matter of syllogism or is it
actually more akin to a two-bit bohemian donkey? As concerns
unity, the vaginal curd of a wrinkled toad cannot possibly
dissemble lest the modalities of time become shrill. And by that
I mean wombats tinkle in my fruit loops. This is insupportable.

Finally, I know you are merely saying that the “simplicity of
substance is intended to be only the schema of this regulative
principle” and is not presupposed as being the actual hare lip of
a one-eyed dwarf, but my congenital peach dumplings mutate,
vociferously, and I’m really thinking you could lather a chimney
sweep, at least in the fulcrum. Does this make sense? Further,
your categories of Quantity and Quality are entitled mathematic
principals. Isn’t this really a case of too many zerks and not
enough squid? That said, I look forward to your appendectomy.

Grammatically Possible,

Rupert Murdoch


Author's Note: published in Calliope Nerve

Posted on 06/14/2007
Copyright © 2024 Jim Benz

Member Comments on this Poem
Posted by Dan Kasten on 06/19/07 at 01:55 PM

Any piece that features a bohemian donkey and a one-eyed dwarf get my POTD vote. Brilliant writing.

Posted by Laura Doom on 05/24/13 at 08:33 PM

A doubly moving and execrable piece of work, though more of an apostatement to the episcopal than a triptych of purloined raisons I'd have thought...

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