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Asleep or Awake
by Jeffrey Parrenasleep or awake
warm bodies juxtaposed
what time is it?
does it matter?
remembering yesterday
the future's past
looks so inviting
as memories formed
and ones to be made
the realization
when one heart
couples with another
dreams to ignite
passions unknown
so these memories
constantly making
imprints of companionship
filling voids
like a puzzle
missing a corner piece
no more
the magic began
only after lovers passed
an exhilarating blend
combined in timely fashion
two parts:
one part man
full of illumination; charisma
one part woman
full or spirit; passion
the result:
ever-changing happiness
profusion of inspirations
ideas
eyes locked for eternity
the dream so true
all blends into one
whether or not
awake or asleep 04/19/2007 Author's Note: I need some quick feedback as I intend on giving this poem in the form of a present on Saturday. It is for a couple who is engaged recently and traveling the world soon. Was intending on framing it and making it look nice. IE I want to hear what you think good or bad and constructive alike!!!
Posted on 04/19/2007
Copyright © 2024 Jeffrey Parren
| Member Comments on this Poem |
| Posted by Razel Davies on 04/19/07 at 10:40 PM I really tried looking for a problem in this, but didn't find one. I think it will make a wonderful present. |
| Posted by Alisa Js on 04/19/07 at 10:42 PM Aloha from Hawaii... this one speaks to me of love, brand new and bursting full of promise. Oh! to be able to taste such sweet hints of all that is waiting there on the horizon, again...*sigh* Love is grand? Isn't it? There is nothing that can compare to the joy and completeness of one's soul when venturing into the realm of true love... alisa ;-) |
| Posted by Tony Whitaker on 04/20/07 at 12:31 AM Okay, you are asking for feedback so I will try. Overall, it is a wonderful poem and message.
In stanza 4 you misppelled illumination as illumiation. In the same stanza "coexistence churns magic potion stewing feigned loves before" is harsh with the x sound in coexistence. You have a nice alliteration going with the "Cs" but I really don't see the message clearly. At the same time I think this has the most potential for imagery in the whole poem. So give it a smoother flow on the tongue and a clearer message.
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