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4. " I just can't look its killing me"

by Richard Trotter

4. I just can't look, its killing me
    It was Sunday, and I hoped that seeing Alex would cheer me up after a wasted day off spent at home doing nothing. There was a staff night out and I agreed to go, but events that took place gave me another look into the darkness of my soul. I arrived and sat in Revolution with 8 others including Alex. I remained in my silent prison with no idea of what to say, no idea about anything. How could I expect to get to know people when I was too shy and self conscious to say anything? For that reason I was an impotent failure. I wanted to leave , my instincts told me that things weren't to be, and that I should leave and go to the pub quiz, but Jon insisted I stay put and see what happened.
It felt like all the others were having a great time. I wasn't particularly close to anyone present, and my anxiety must have shown. Alex was as beautiful as a star, and the other men present seemed to orbit around her sweet and warm personality. I wished I could talk but was gripped by fear. I stood at the bar with Jon where to my surprise he got me talking to a girl who was waiting to be served. Her name was Nicola and we even went over to her table to meet her friends. I was surprised by my confidence which was mainly alcohol fuelled. Jon told me to go back and get her phone number but I wasn't brave enough to return. I wondered what good it would be, given my unease and discomfort around new people. I had no idea about how to make people like me, and being myself hadn't worked for 25 years.
   We queued to get into Rosies. The rest of the crowd had gone in ahead of us . I was jealous because I'd seen Dave and Alex looking quite close. I wondered if something might happen between these two. A drunken Dave further annoyed me by grabbing me and getting me in a choking headlock which nearly knocked my glass onto the dance floor.
   I watched everyone dancing and could feel the rising emotions. No one seemed interested in being around me and soon I was invisible again. Alex was on the dance floor with Dave , with him gyrating behind her with his lewd hands at her thighs. It felt like a dagger slashing open my heart. Next Jon tried it on , and as the two looked into each others eyes I could feel the chemistry in the air. . I wondered why I couldn't connect on an intimate level with women.. I wondered what it felt like to be desired- to be wanted by just one person, never mind 4. A tiny spark of attraction to energize my world weary soul.
    A lot of the time I lived in a fantasy world. Though sometimes I fantasized about far off adventures like blasting zombies with a shotgun, or firing all weapons at the enemy fleet, in that moment I just wanted to be myself around Alex. A simple wish to be able to talk to a girl I was drawn to. I was obsessed by the fear of rejection , the loss of control over life and events scared me, being left behind at the roadside while the limousine drove to the party..
    I stood alone torturing myself as I observed the mutual desire in peoples' eyes- the unknown pleasures that stuck in my throat and choked the life out of me. I could easily picture what would happen given Jon's past record and his shameless nature, so before I saw anything else that would blow me to pieces, I turned and retreated into the crowd. Back home I lay on my bed like a snail without a shell, I pictured people holding each other all over the world in the throes of desire, tangled limbs, passion rising like a volcano.

01/28/2007

Posted on 01/28/2007
Copyright © 2024 Richard Trotter

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