I drove miles
to come to this party;
I don't really know anyone here
but we are all leaves
on the same freakish tree
so I suppose
I might possibly (please God)
fit in okay.

After considerable deliberation
and agonizing over proper comportment
I decide to bypass the doorbell
and just walk in;
no reprimand is issued
so I suppose
this might possibly (please God)
be okay.

The place is packed
with the strangest mixture
of cheerleaders and jocks
and geeks and goths
only
now they're called
lawyers and writers
and engineers and fashion models.

They discuss politics
and grammar
and tell dirty jokes
and brag about their kids
and
there might be music on
but the fuzzy gray noise of chatter
stuffs the sound back into the speakers.

I search out
a familiar face
and offer a mumbled announcement
of my presence
then grab a glass of wine,
find a corner
and do my best

to disappear.

The man seated nearest me
is forbiddingly silent
and looking toward him
I see an immense, dark stone castle,
cold walls reaching the sky
and nothing about them
tempt me to try to climb over.
I take a run at some lame conversational gambit,
mostly out of upbringing,
then move to another corner.

I find myself talking to a man
with a kind face
and a soothing voice
and lonliness dripping from his eyes
and I want to hold him to me
and lighten the darkness
for both of us
and he seems to feel
the same urge
so
we both move on
as we have trained ourselves to do.

Faces blend into one another;
words run together like melting candles
and soon
I can feel
the air
being drawn from my lungs
and I can hear
the kick me sign
rattling around on my back;
(I don't know why I put it there)
and I can't breathe anymore
and what am I doing here, anyway
and what made me think these people would want to talk to me
and I've got to get out of here (please God)
where's my coat
where're my keys
where's the door

and as it closes behind me
I suck the night air
into my tortured lungs
along with great relief
and greater despair.

12/16/2006

Posted on 12/17/2006
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