She wears black
And thinks too much
Stares off in the distance

Loner
Dreamer
Poet
 
She's got a snake in her pocket
Straight razor in her sock
Notebook in one hand
Revolution
In the other
 
An evil eye
Sly devilish grin
Sweet as molasses from the tree
She might wash your feet
Or kick your ass
You never could tell
No one knew her
No one could
Her life was hers alone

	It all changed
	When she was broken
	Stolen from herself

All the insides out now
The skin that covers
The vein
Just there
On the wrist
Seems so very thin
Every time
She remembers him

He pushed
His way between her legs
And into the rest
Of her life

	He's popular
	the homecoming king type
	Football star
	Class clown
	Ladies man

"C'mon, just one kiss,"
Says God's Gift stumbling
Down Bourbon Street
Mumbling the words
His hands fumbling
Toward her hips
To pull her closer
His tongue seeking the part
Between her lips
When she opens her mouth
To tell him "no"
the first of many times that night
 
Everyone laughed
And shook their heads
"Boys will be boys," they said
as they dragged her out of her bed
and into the elevator
blocking her exit
pressing the button that would take her
down
farther then should could have imagined then
 
She walked alone
Just like always
The way
She liked it
Pondering wanderlust
How to get out
Away
From them -- 
Those who followed
With blank stares
And mindless feet
Herd mentality at its worst
 
Back at the hotel
This time
They obliged her introversion
For once
No one thought
Twice 
About leaving her
Alone
In the silent darkness
With them in that room
Once and so-called friends
Guarded the door
To allow
An uninterrupted good time

His humiliation
Out in the street
Bled from
Her refusal of a kiss
That any other girl
Would have fought for
And loved
Instead
He got a slap in the face
 
She's 5 foot nothin
And 110 in the rain
Against his athletic frame
Her struggle
Was over before it began
And she wanted to hide the truth
There were two


	He wanted
To be first
To aim his anger
At her creamy soft center
	To find his worth
	In the measure
	Of her pain
          Besides the other liked to watch
And they were a team
Coach would have been proud
I bet they heard crowds
Cheering from the stands
 
Head held back from
Fingers wrapped round
Tangles in her hair
Arms pinned with one hand
 
He was too able 
          must have done this before
Stronger than he looked
She couldn't move
And her screams fell muffled
By the swelling of her throat
That thing that happens when she cries
And can't speak though she tries
Instead, she fought
Her whimpers begged
Him to stop
Her eyes wept
No
	 
She wore
Her daddy's button shirt
That's the first thing
He tore from her
No, no, no, no, no, no, no

Among her shattered self
And tatters of dignity
He snatched
The spirit that she had
Patch-worked together
Over 18 years
Now she's helpless
As the day she was born
Wrecked
Cause she knows
She can never move on
Past this moment
	No
You like it
Say it
No
 
Lids finally closed
Shut tight
Trying to imagine being
Somewhere else
LOOK AT ME
He demands
"Right here
You know
You
Wanted
This"
Say it
No

Panties barely hanging on
To one ankle
For dear life
	Barely
		Hanging
			 On
Just like the rest of her
And before the 
Breakdown 
Kicks in
She loses herself
In random thoughts
While subconsciously counting
everything she can
 
I have Pearl Jam stuck in my head again
          Damn it
I think Mr. Ed  re-runs are on now
          Stupid talking horse
I miss lying in cool fields of clover
          Wasn't I seven years old yesterday?
I forgot to send the mail this morning
          Tourist postcards - wish you were here
I want to go sky diving
          Rain forest trekking
          Shark swimming
          Cave crawling
I wonder if ...
Wait… -- this… this is happening
This is real
            Fucking bastards
 
She pushes and squirms
To his enjoyment
And the other's entertainment
His face is imprinted
Onto her consciousness
Glassy black pupils
Alcohol induced pink rims
He looked her
Up and down
Then directly in the eye
When he laughed
And she thought she'd be sick there
As the smell
Of whiskey and beer permeated
Through his pores
And he leaned in to whisper
i've been waiting for this
a long time
now don't you dare
say a word to anyone
it'll be you against all of us
no one's gonna help you
outcast
No
Please, no
 
God saw it all
And no angels came
no angels came down
To save her
No
Not one 
Soul fought for hers
While every drop
Of sweat
And cum from him
Seemed to bore into her skin
To consume her
From within
 
This is when she first knew hate
 
The rage inside
Screamed now or never
As he lifted himself
For another thrust
No
Leg pulled free
Knee in the stomach
NO
Ripped fabrics gathered
In trembling arms
She's out the door 
Tripping over his lookouts
Running past the group in the  hall
 
          It doesn't matter
          If you're naked
          When you've been
          Stripped
          Of more than clothes
 
She knew better
Than to fall apart
She'd seen the shows
After school specials galore
Heard the news
          -Tell someone
          -Go to the hospital
          -Do not shower
Still that water called
 
So she scrubbed
Til she bled
Turned up the heat
Scalding her red
Hot steam
In her lungs
Choking down the breath
Between sobs
Fists flying
Knuckles cracking
Against mildewed tiles
Nothing
Could make her clean
Eyes closed
Protecting them
From burning in their sockets
It only makes him
Burn into her brain
	It still hurts to shut them
	He's still there
	And anytime
	Water gets too hot
	She still hears herself
	whisper
	No
	Without meaning to
		no
 
Her daddy's shirt 
Soaking in the sink
She knew
She couldn't look at it
Or at him the same
Ever again
 
Bus ride
Louisiana to Florida
A load of adolescents aboard
She heard
Not one syllable
Uttered
Only the rolling of the tires
The hum of the engine
Her heartbeat
And the urging of her mind to
breathe goddammit
Across every lonely mile
 
She never made it 
Home
Not really
No
 
She wears black
Thinks too much
Subversive
Quiet
Haunted
 
Notebook in one hand
A hole through the other
Small evidences
Of passing through hell
 
She saw him once
On a college campus
Flirting
Smiling
Scheming
Slapping the backs
Of his buddies
Pointing out
Worthwhile
Young T&A as it passed
While wide-eyed teenagers were on a tour
Full of hope and illusions
 
Pencils down
This is not a test
Just a little story he'll tell
For amusement at parties
No big deal, they said
They all believed
And told her to "just let it go"
as if that were even possible
	After all, they said
This 
Is what
Senior Trip
Is for 

08/31/2006

Author's Note: Louisiana, April 11th, 1992

Posted on 08/31/2006
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