i strive for an honest truth.
"honest truth."
I can't get past that combination of words.
last night i hurdled myself to the floor
when I realized how horrible of a son I am
to my mother
to my father
and how utterly deplorable I am as a brother
to my sister.

i began to cry with this realization,
for just a brief second,
and then I became self-conscious and choked the tears back.
For a second I felt good for almost making myself cry on cue,
and then I bashed myself for stifling my emotion.
For not focusing on the exercise enough.

these words are for my fiance,
who i love beyond words but in the static of my mind,
i betray with almost every action:
i do not cuddle enough.
i do not say i love you enough.
i do not think pure thoughts enough.

just by breathing I betray everyone in my life.
and i want to cry so bad
but i'm so conscious of how i feel
that I automatically stifle every emotion
that comes into me.

it always gets worse before it gets better.

07/07/2006

Posted on 07/07/2006
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