I often experience this internal feeling in which I become small....shrink to half of my already small size and don't quite know how to react to the rest of the world. Like a little kid standing against a huge tree. Do I climb the tree, or do I succumb to it's great size and let it overcome me. I know I can't climb it.

My tree is called survival. It's the biggest tree I've ever seen in my life. I have the most insatiable urge to climb it, but I'm too scared of falling -- of plummetting towards the ground at such a speed that it could kill me.

Attempting to survive could kill me.

There's a thought, to mix in with all of my other thoughts. All of my other dreams and fears, hopes and fantasies, loves and hates. So many of those I shouldn't be allowed to have brewing in the cauldron that is my head as they will only become weights on my ankles and ultimately make the climb more difficult, and the potential fall faster and harder.

Weighing the pros and cons of climbing the tree that plagues me draws no conclusion, as they're equal.

There is no solution. There is NO solution that can be given to me. It's something that needs to be decided on my own.

But why? Why do I feel such guilt when I want to survive? I want to WANT to survive, but it doesn't seem to go further than that. I want to cancel out one set of the want to's, and actually desire survival. But I feel guilty for even thinking of it. Is it because people who deserve survival more than me didn't succeed in the conventional sense of surviving? Is it because I don't feel I deserve it at all, but want it anyway?

This battle, to me, is like accepting a bonus in your allowance, after you've snuck a few dollars out of mom's purse for candy. You know you don't deserve it, and you feel horrible for taking it. So what is it that I've taken to cause such guilt?

Questions plague me. All the while, as I'm contemplating, time is passing and this tree is growing. The stump is getting wider and the rings are multiplying before my x-ray eyes, thus making it more difficult to climb.

06/28/2006

Posted on 06/28/2006
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