I was thinking today of how the
keys would vibrate through me
when we were plinking away,
working out the music read not
only by eyes and hands but heart
as well (you told me god gave me
a gift - I thought you meant you.)
You were so patient with me even
when I was off and it was obvious
that I had not practiced what
you preached.

I was so young, you know, still
forming my curves and hoping
you would take notice (I've
gained quite a few more since
then). All the girls were taken
with you in those first years;
I felt I had the advantage with my
proximity on your bench and our
connection through white and
black keys that formed our
grey area.

My mother told me you were
leaving and I didn't want to believe
her (she had lied to me so many
times before), but parties were
planned and tears were spilt down
the cheeks of all that knew you so
I wrote you a letter telling you
everything I had carelessly not
told you during our lessons that
we spent afternoons teaching
each other.

I penned my name carefully
in script (I never write in script),
little hearts drawn dotting "i"
and embracing beginning and end
like all silly girls do at that age.
Somewhere around the curve
of my last drawing, I must have
lost my nerve and with the same
care that I brought ink to paper,
I folded and tore my name from
the bottom.

It's a habit I would continue for
years. Anonymity is a crutch
when feelings will not explain
themselves to their owner. I
would only express these thoughts
on ambiguous paper (why didn't
I think my handwriting would
give me up?) until my emotions
found a new way to come across
when I turned sixteen - through
my wrists.

You can not be blamed, I would
argue for you to anyone who
opposed my word (though I know
now I didn't know you as well as
I thought) because you never did
anything to me like you did to those
boys, my boys, my friends who surely
cherished their anonymity as much as
I when you sharpened your knife and
spread god's love through the bible and
your cock.

07/03/2005

Author's Note: repost

Posted on 05/07/2006
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