ARCTURUS TO COLLABORATE WITH METALLICA
The 'Masters Of Disguise' meet the 'Masters of The Puppets' (what the fuck? that
sounded dumb as fuck)
written by Greg Danielak
DATELINE - Stockholm, Sweden

Kirk Hammett is afraid. Really afraid.
"How dare these melodic Swedish death metal bands be better than us," he yells
at the top of his girly lungs while in Mellotronen. "I won't lose my 2,465th
Guitar World Readers Poll Award to someone who can actually play guitar!"

Metallica have arrived in Stockholm for their latest 'project' - a collaboration
with Arcturus for a rap-metal remake of 'Master Of Disguise.'

"It started out really weird," says Kristoffer Garm Rygg a.k.a. Trickster G.
a.k.a. Garm Wolf. "I got a call from Lars Ulrich while he was getting a blow job
asking for something that sounded like 'Jay Z.' I don't know. So anyway, I
decided to trick the guy and start talking as Trickster G. in my 'gangsta nigga
dawg' voice. I don't think he could tell the difference..."
After weeks of shock, disbelief, and realization on who they were going to work
with, Metallica decided to investigate their current partners in crime. 'Well, I
don’t know', said a confused James Hetfield, "I heard Sham Mirrors and I thought
it sounded to musical. And damnit, they never repeat the same thing 16 times
like we do!"
"What was even weirder," said Lars Ulrich, "was when we went to their website.
Wow, we were in for a shock. I mean shit - they all have long hair! And what's
with that upside down star on their necklaces, man? Didn't glam end in the
70's?" Lars was informed by one of his 1,000 assistants on the star, and began
to ask the orgy members 'I remember a guy named Satan... but from where?'

"Hey, don't look at me," cited Jan Axel von Blomberg a.k.a. Hellhammer, the
drummer of legendary Mayhem, Covenant and Arcturus. "Lars showed up one day to
meet me so he could get the drum pattern down. That was easy, since, as we all
know, Lars has been playing rap beats for the last 9 years, but when it came
time to show him the b-side, he ran to call his mom on the phone because he
thought I was possessed or something."

Lars and Hellhammer did not get along at all during the recording. Keyboardist
Steinar Sverd Johnsen: "Yeah, it was pretty tense. Hellhammer kept showing Lars
how to use the double bass pedal but Lars was convinced by some higher power
that he had invented the bloody thing. The police had been called down many
times because Lars kept playing "Wherever I May Roam" and trust me - that song
becomes UNBEARABLE after a while."
"The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!" Lars and the
(questionable) boys are sitting in a Stockholm restaurant right across the table
from their new friends. Let's have a listen...
"So yeah, the key changes at this part of the song to Eb dim, and I want you to
do a run up to an Am scale."
"I masturbate daily."
"Haha yeah, though we only used one mic on the drums literally in the old days."
"I masturbate daily.. to my wife!"
"We could use a distortion box on the vocals there to give that telephone
sound..."
"Yeah? Well I have sex with my wife!"
Everyone looks at Kirk and shouts, "Kirk, you have a wife?"
While Arcturus finished their parts in about than half an hour, Metallica took
up the entire year. Lars explains.
"Yeah, man," (using the word 'man' in another pathetic attempt to sound 'metal')
"we're so used to million dollar budgets that we totally forgot we were given a
month to finish this song. I mean come on - a song in a MONTH? That's
unreasonable! True Metal!" Lars tries to do the devil horns sign but does the
surfer sign instead.

So, what do Arcturus think about the finished song?

Garm : "I'll never forget the way Kirk looked at me when I was singing the
parts. Here is a white dude from Norway with facial hair doing total gangsta rap
vocals. Something wasn't right. That night, I rejected his sexual innuendos and
broke his nose. Bastard."

Hellhammer : "I gave Lars hell for one week, and that is funnier than anything
I've ever been through. Thank goodness we snuffed Bob Rock out of the picture...
He'd fucking mic our cocks if he had enough to use..."

Knut M. Valle : "Since there is only one riff in the song, but it's a blazing
solo, I thought Kirk would have it down by the third day. Instead, he injured
his wrist whacking off so I had to play the part for him. Under the contract we
had to use his name so we reached an agreement - and that's why the guitar is
credited to Kirnut M. Hammevalle."

Sverd : "This was by far an interesting collaboration. I programmed my entire
keyboard lines into one key. That way, the enginner would push record, I'd push
the key, and my parts would all play while I "borrowed" Lars' Lamborghini for
the next 6 minutes."

And what do Metallica think of this?
"I don't know," James concludes. "Even though it's rap, it still sounds too much
like music."
The single will be released on June 19 for the world to laugh at.

04/19/2006

Author's Note: The full title is "Arcturus to collaborate with Metallica". I actually didn't write this. It was originally written by my dear friend Greg Danielak. As a few of you may or may not remember, Metallica collaborated with Ja-Rule some number of years ago, so my friend Greg wrote this lovely little piece of work making fun of that. We both hope you all enjoy.

Posted on 04/19/2006
Copyright © 2024 Kourosh Taheri-Golvarzi