I've let in much regret this last year
thinking freedom was this thing that I could lasso,
but it is wilder than me
much wilder than one can fully grasp
with any length of rope

It amazes me how loud it is
with all the movement in the world
that at times I stop noticing
how quiet it is inside
like this room where you used to be
is now only filled with this old wood chair
that creeks when I sit down to write
and it reminds me how acoustic my life has become
that I notice the chair
and not the laughter that to used to hide it

People say I should let you go
that If I wanted
IF I WANTED...
I could call on strangers
to change the course
with painted roads and circled signs
with tickets
that have already been paid for -
to move at will
again

but I won't move for them
I can barely make out their lip movements,
they speak a language
that has little meaning,
so I stand
I sit
I lay
so very still in my heart
for you

the words
these words
I've been holding onto
feel like something you forgot to take home,
and I have been meaning to give you -
but so much is in the way
of what should be
so simple

And it seems when we talk lately
we are always talking through tears
and our faces become those of strangers
before our very eyes
we are two different people
unable to make the connection
through the pain

You stand at the entrance
of my being
peering into the gaping silence of my eyes
into the labyrinthine of a past
that is much yours as it is mine
to cast your voice
into me
by catacombs
in a steadily motion
collapsing
between us
but there is no telling how far the mistakes go

If I could
I would tell you
how you became the purest love I've ever known
and how the things I've done to test it
are wearing heavy on my heart,
but all these words
are hard of hearing
amongst the screaming of our nature
to disappoint it

the time has not come
but it will
and though I may move on
a part of me will always be this man
that you made
with a nook in his side for you
there is part of me that waits
I wait
with words that
flourish in your name
overflowing

and for now everyone knows
this catechism
but you

04/04/2006

Author's Note:

Posted on 04/04/2006
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