you said
sometimes you lay next to her
and you're not even attracted to her.
that you think of me every night
while you're lying in bed with her.
that she moves over to touch you
and you have to wait until she falls asleep
and turn to the other side.
and you told me over and over
that when it was us
everything was different.

i do miss you.
i'm not about to lie to you,
i'll always love you
and i don't need to complicate that fact
with words too large or over-articulated phrases.
we laid on our backs under boardwalks on
a thousand different nights and laughed at
how ironic the stars were when they
shone through skies of suburban decay.
i would light a cigarette and you'd throw it
to the ground, and i would pretend to be angry
and nuzzle my face in your chest while you
pretended not to care.

but things have changed since then.
we aren't children any longer
and a woman shares your bed each night
and as easy as it would be to fall back into
old habits and curse the past for allowing us
to grow up and move on,
we'll just have to tip-toe on the egg-shells
and let live.
and you called me drunk and kept repeating
"she's not you, she's not you, she's not you"
and i tried not to cry as i hung up the phone
and went to find you aimless in the street.

you clung to my hands and sunk your face in my hair
and you shook in my arms and i tried so hard not
to let myself remember you and see you as merely
a body with limbs that held no importance,
but it's impossible to lie to your mind
when it wants so badly to cave.
and i let you lay your head into my lap
and trace my knee with your finger.
i even stroked your curls and warmed the cold from you skin.

and when you whispered into my leg
that you could not go back i wanted to let you stay
but i said nothing and tried not to tremble.
you sat up hard and looked at me,
it's always that glassy-eyed stare that penetrates so deep
and i wanted to break away from those eyes
that made the world stop cold,
but i stayed stuck and could not look at anything else.
so when you grabbed me and brought me to your lips
i could find myself not allowing them to touch me.

because things have changed.
and there are reasons why i left
even if i can't remember them when you're here.
and she loves you, and she exists,
even if you wish she was me when you touch her.

but i still go back to that moment every night.
over and over i fight with my movement,
if i only to reciprocate that kiss i would have known
if i were always going to be as hopeless for you
as i have been since we were nothing but innocent kids
grasping under shirts and rolling in beach-sand.

before everything changed.

02/26/2006

Posted on 02/26/2006
Copyright © 2024 Lauren Singer