There it goes
the face I used to know
(Oh God...)
the tight lipped smile
the terrible goodbye.

(Oh God the things they must have said...)
It passes and I ease,
not having felt my body ever tense,
(That choking tension in these writhing bodies...)
staring in that way of mine.
(The sounds, the greiving sighs)
Staring without knowing I am watching someone else.

I am learning not to choke on your hair.
(Dear God I want these pictures OUT!)
I am learning how to not cough up small freckles.
I am playing Fur Elise on my keyboard at max volume
(Out! Oh God I want to stop these sounds
thoses hands, I've held all four...
It's not enough to weep
weeping here is just remembering
and what good is holding on to it
and yet...
oh god and yet they come
and come again)
learning how it is that one forgets for now
without forgetting.
(I want to forget! I want to fall in love again...
Can't someone let me love again?)

I am touching him again, barely
after shock has almost (never) left my shaking fingers
I am seeing her, my eyes devoid
of the red I had seen her though.
I'm progressing, see?
Forgetting.
These things just (shouldn't. ever.) happen.

I'm learning that I miss the things that lodged inside my throat
the flecks and strands I used to know

(and most of all I miss the things-

the slats of sunshine through the cool shade trees

I saw in her...

Graffiti tee shirts

miss my faith...

packaged dye

In the light of her sunborne face.)

Summers worn and spent-
Those days that feel like myth,
with the venomous heat
still tangible.

11/22/2005

Author's Note: you've grown up....... * why do I even look anymore? Why do this to myself... then on top of that, spit out second rate poetry in an attempt to nake it coherent. Maybe I'll edit one day, when im not feeling so much of it...

Posted on 11/23/2005
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