i am afraid
of the calendar
because i know what it will say
[today would have been
our anniversary]

and i am capturing minutes and moments
of the past year
spent together

this time, last november,
we'd be laughing in the warmth of your bedroom,
the white walls and ninja turtle sheets,
and i would lean in and kiss you

december nights we'd
talk until late, wishing for a merry christmas
and a happy new year (together)

bitter january was spent under your covers,
and february the same

march was your first [and only] birthday with me
and i remembering thinking, thank god you were born

in april our love was real, and pure
we slept in each others laps, bathed in each others showers,
lived in each others arms

may, six months and counting,
there were no secrets left to tell;
you spent the night and i remember waking up to you
shirtless, beautiful,
pulling me to you with your eyes closed
[i would give so much to feel that one more time]

june was spent swimming
or sun bathing, which ever felt right at the time,
and looking at you, silhouetted by the summer sun,
i thought (i knew) i was the luckiest girl in the world

july
there was a drift;
you were busy, i was preoccupied.
phone calls were distant,
visits were rare
[but there was hope]

sunny august afternoons you'd come over
and watch me undress
before i took a shower;
you'd run to me, lusty-eyed,
holding me close

[but we lost the warmth of that summer]

september, everything changed.
there was a silence between us;
our embraces were cold,
our kisses were dry

september,
i lost you

[deep.breaths.deep.breaths]

october,
i was not alive
i was idle
i was dying
october,
i was dead

i could swear that i felt your weight next to me
in my bed
and i'd reach for you and pull on the sheets
i'd call out to you but
[there was nothing]

november
is a month of rememberance

one year ago today,
we had our first kiss

11/19/2005

Author's Note: november 19th.

Posted on 11/20/2005
Copyright © 2024 Emily Davidson