1. While flipping through the phone book, you come across someone with a Scandia name and you must resist the urge to call him/her to practise speaking.

2. You always take vacations in places near the coast to keep yourself satisfied until you "return to your homeland".

3. You believe that the "th", "v", and "k" sounds should exist in all languages.

4. You believe that Old Norse should be taught alongside Latin in all English-speaking schools.

5. When going into a bookstore, you always go to the Reference section first to see if any of the Scandia languages are carried.

6. You firmly believe that Swedish should be the international language.

7. If not Swedish, and the international language simply has to be one as hard as English, well then, hey, why not go all-out and declare Finnish as the such instead?!

8. You have a complicated love-hate relationship with Richard Wagner.

9. You do not need the aforementioned explained to you.

10. You believe that all family names should end in "-sson", "-dotter", or "-nen".

11. You believe that "the North" of anywhere is "the happenin' place".

12. You have a dog named "Garm", a son named "Bragi", and a daughter named "Freyja".

13. You do not need the aforementioned explained to you.

14. You always dye your hair blond and are never seen without your blue-tinted contact lenses.

15. You honestly ask your phone provider Scandinavian national anthems are offered as mobile ringtones.

16. You know exactly what the word "Viking" means.

17. If you're not mad enough to raid their cathedrals, you're not mad.

18. Sweden and Switzerland are NOT the same country!!!!

19. Ihsahn is the MAN!

20. All of your friends now know what Scandinavian folk sounds like.

21. At least one of your friends is now able to tell the difference between Swedish and Finnish without actually reading any of a particular page.

22. The colder, the better.

23. You increasingly speak with a northern accent without even knowing it.

24. You innately believe that women and musik are the most important things in the entire world.

25. You realise that the aforementioned has no spelling errors.

26. The similarities between Japanese and Finnish are quite simply too uncanny for you to ignore.

27. You believe that a nice, hot sauna after a day of fishing and a night of fucking can boost even the lowest of spirits.

28. You've "scandi-cised" the names of all your friends.

29. Whenever you play some Scandinavian folk music for someone and he/she says that it sounds Irish, you respond saying that Irish music is actually what sounds Scandia.

30. You're able to recite from Heimskringla in your sleep.

31. You're able to transcribe among the Kantele, Nyckelharpa, and Hardanger interchangeably, yet you can't play any of them because there are no classes offered or dealers licensed in your part of the world.

32. You own a copy of Kalevala in the original text (since the translated version would simply be an insult to the original...) regardless of the fact to that you're unable to read it.

33. Nevertheless, you've attempted to translate the Kalevala yourself (only to curse your dictionary).

34. You believe that Sorten Muld deserve to be internationally recognised as being at the leading forefront of Techno.

35. You say "ja" A LOT!

36. At least one meal per day must include seafood of some sort.

37. Instead of a Christmas tree, every year, you put up a Maypole.

38. At least a third of your wardrobe is comprised of tunics which you made yourself.

39. It's completely obvious to you that not only can the phrase "oh, yeah" be spelled in Swedish, but that it can be spelled as a single word.

40. You still feel down about the assassination of Snorri Sturluson.

41. Anybody who doesn't like Sigur Rós just doesn't know.

42. Danish and Dutch are NOT the same thing!

43. It doesn't matter what music is playing at any given time; you may enjoy it, but you are aware that somewhere in the scope of Scandinavia, there is, has been, or will soon be a band that does that style at least twice as well.

If you should so happen to find yourself stranded on a desert island, within two weeks time, you will have:
44. been out fishing

45. set up a cooperative

46. cut down all the trees (only to subsequently plant more)

47. been waiting to be introduced to whomever else is there.


48. You're able to play the anthems of all the Scandinavian countries by heart, and are able to figure them out on instruments that you've never played within no longer than 45 minutes.

49. Blonde jokes are NOT funny!

50. You're saving up to buy a boat specifically so you can name it the S.S. Vasa.

51. You're having it built by someone who knows what he/she is doing so that this time, this one doesn't sink.

52. The thought of slinging your wife over your shoulder and running an obstacle course gets you mentally prepared to take on any challenge that comes your way.

53. Whenever somebody says "race you", you think of getting out your dune buggy, equipping the wheels with spikes, and racing it around the outside of a frozen lake.

54. If you live in Finland, FUKKIN LEARN FINNISH!

55. IT'S CALLED "AHVENANMAA", GODDAMNIT!!!

56. The thought of racing up an obscenely steep hill just to see who can get to the top first without tipping backwards and falling down to the bottom excites you in ways that worry your friends.

57. You believe that you simply haven't lived until you've stayed in a hotel carved out of ice.

58. You want to bitchslap anyone who believes that the only musicians to ever come out of Scandinavia are Björk, A-ha, and ABBA.

59. Note to the world: Scandinavia is FULL of music and it's much much much much much much better than yours, unless you're from Japan, in which case, it's only a bit better.

60. You don't waste your time on technology that's not made in Sweden (unless it's made in Japan)

61. You feel compelled to petition the governments of all the northern countries to organize some sort of student exchange program to Japan.

62. Travel is commonplace and is in no way exotic or out-of-the-ordinary (unless it's to countries that start with "Ja" and end in "pan"...)

63. J-Pop is the greatest pop in the world.

64. Icelandic pop comes in at a VERY close second.

65. If you're a musician and/or a magician, Väinämöinen is one of your personal heroes.

66. You believe that Færoese rowing competitions deserve to be broadcast on ESPN.

67. Midsummer is not an excuse to get fucked up; IT'S A REASON TO!!!

68. Having a mobile phone is non-negotiable, and buying a new phone has become a sort of regularly occuring ritual in and of itself.

69. Coffee is the Breakfast of Champions!

70. Coffee is also the lunch, dinner, and snacktime of champions.

71. No matter where in the world you are, you always know how and where to get salted licorice.

72. Collection snow-sports equipment has become a very expensive hobby for you.

73. You've learned computer coding so that you can program your operating system to appear printed in runes.

74. You know that if you're going to go and get yourself lost in a forest, it's best to have your cellphone handy, and some salted licorice to sustain you until you get to the nearest lakeside town for help.

75. You've made out a list of signs that you like Scandinavia just a little too much.

09/14/2005

Posted on 09/15/2005
Copyright © 2024 Kourosh Taheri-Golvarzi