In my life as a child,
Mama made no bones
About hating me,
About wishing I was dead.
She told me again and again.

It’s logical to me that “the future” is affected by so many decisions;
“The future” only a reference to events
Placed in moments I haven’t arrived at yet,
And am therefore unable to reassemble
Due to their relativity to “now”.
“The past” only a reference to events
That I am able to reassemble because
I’ve experienced them already.

It’s a fine line between a moment ago
And a moment ahead.

So, I took a journey
And traveled in my now-self-suit to that little girl,
Meditated myself back in “time”;
“Time” merely a boundary used to measure
The forward progression of events,
But otherwise irrelevant.

I took that fragile, suffering little girl
Into my big, safe, mother earth arms.
I comforted her, rocked her, loved her,
And whispered to her fiercely beating heart
The words reflecting how truly precious she is.
I told her she is not alone.
I told her she is smart, and beautiful
I told her she isn’t fat at all,
That she doesn’t need to worry about hanging on to energy for later,
She can release it because she is safe
And there is enough food for a lifetime,
Even if Mama doesn’t keep it in the cupboards.
I told her she is going to be okay,
That I would always, all ways, be with her
And she may ask for my help anywhere, anytime.
I told her that my love is eternal.

She looked up at me with her big, round, clear, brown eyes
Tucked her head into those (her own) 42 year old breasts
And snuggled, at last, gratefully in.
I know she saw that woman
(Herself-Myself)
As an angel come to save her,
And I marveled at what we were (are) doing together.

Then, I wondered if, having gone back in time to affect my (own) self esteem,
I would wake up in a mansion instead of a modest home?
I wondered if, having affected myself retroactively,
I would wake up in a new life,
With a great job,
Where I am slender and healthy,
With plenty of money,
Living in great relationships with the people I love?

Well, so far, it isn’t EXACTLY like Back to the Future,
But I’ve lost 53 pounds to date,
25 of that effortlessly dropping off just since my journey back in time.
I was just hired in a new job,
The potential of which is beyond what I ever previously imagined.
I have enough of everything,
My cupboards stuffed with food,
My closet and my children’s closets full of wonderful attire,
New tires on my car,
Reasonable blood sugars,
And normal blood pressure.
Last week I had a bbq at my house,
My long lost son showing up to share his life with me at last.

I can’t think of one thing I lack,
And it just makes me wonder…

09/13/2005

Author's Note: Please forgive the choppy feel of this, but I had to get it into words to share it. This is an actual exercise I did after wondering if "the past" can be altered with our intentions the same way we affect "the future" with our intentions. And then, having gone "back", I wondered how my "now" would be different, if at all. Well, even though I haven't woken up in an entirely different world (yet?), I am experiencing new events that I had previously not imagined possible. Is it the chicken or the egg that was affected? Oh, the possibilities!!!

Posted on 09/13/2005
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