8-21-2005
It has suddenly occurred to me that I have no one to tell my thoughts to, certain thoughts.
For example, my love for vampires, however stupid girlish and preteen that may sound.
But how can I not when authors tend to portray them as intelligent, sophisticated, and
above all, immortal? Those traits, or afflictions, are what I desire. I live my life as though I am immortal because I desire to be so. By that I mean I watch and see things as though I
had all the time in the world to see them.

This morning, when I was going to work, I passed a tree... a tree I had seen thousands of times, and this time I saw a woman-type creature with her arms wrapped around this knotted giant. And another creature being born from an egg inside another’s mouth. I stopped my car and looked at this tree for what seemed like a lifetime, just looking at it, seeing what else or who else I might find. And I got those weird feelings like my death thoughts feelings. As if time stops and I realize something but I don’t. I think I said “Heightened awareness”; or intelligence, or higher thinking, I don’t remember, to explain it once.

And what I meant by “I have no one to tell my thoughts to” I mean no one who knows my feelings about things like this. Most people either look at me like I’m crazy or think I’m “just trying to be poetic” not that these are my actually thoughts, and they do happen often. And then the person who want to understand but can’t. Or who have a general idea about what I’m talking about but still haven’t experienced it. At least there’s no one I can call on a whim and say “Hey, you know why I love vampires?” Without sounding like some pubescent nitwit completely obsessed because they dream of someday making love to Lestat because “Omg, he’s so sexy.”

Ah, and music recently has been sparking my thoughts, also. Mainly the songs or bands Kourosh has told me about. And Mark, since he was the first person to convince me to listen to Opeth even though they sometimes use death metal vocals, which drive me crazy. But listening to Light of Day, Day of darkness by Green Carnation really makes me start thinking, and reading the lyrics, too.

Why am I not what I used to be?
That’s the beauty of the mind.

Come walk with me
Through the valley of eternity.

Lost in the maze of the mind
The secret place that none have seen.

I think, therefore I am
You are a fantasy made by me
I dream this world
When I end, the world will end with me

It takes moon to light the stars
It takes light to see the dark

And all the answers were inside my head.

As a wanderer
I seek immortality

09/11/2005

Posted on 09/11/2005
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