You were my high school sweetheart
Flushed cheeks of youth calling to me
In the chill of my senior year,
Your dark curly hair beguiled me,
And your mysterious quiet
Spoke to the core of my soul.

A year later, me in college and you finishing your senior year,
Your letters tapered off to none,
Your smile to see me absent and unaccounted for,
I asked a critical question
“You don’t need me, do you?”
While you delivered the fatal answer that pierced my virgin heart -
“No.”
I couldn’t imagine love where there was no need.

I ran away from you then,
Married four months later the first man that needed me,
Gave him the virginity I had saved for you.
It was, of course, a disaster.
Mine, all mine, on the rebound from you.

Four years later, divorced with one little guy,
You called me up to see if you could give me a ride.
I resisted, you persisted,
And one accidental, unplanned pregnancy later,
You bore words that would end our child’s life,
My heart pierced yet again by your rejection
And the ever present guilt that our passion
Created suffering.
I couldn’t imagine love without suffering.

I ran away from you again,
Married less than a year later the first man who said the right things,
Gave him the rest of the children I had wanted to give to you.
It was, of course, a disaster.
Mine, all mine, on the reconstructed rebound from you.

Finding me single again, you called me up to take a drive.
I should have known better,
But the first seed of love hadn’t died.
As we chatted about the strangeness of love and life,
You spoke, one last time, words that stunk;
“I just know I’ll never be duped again.”
You, duped?
I didn’t understand then that all along,
It was me who was duped,
Me who believed the dung you tried to adorn me with
Was a semi-precious stone.
By then I couldn’t imagine shit where devotion should have been.

Today I am grateful for all I allowed myself to learn
On the rebound from you.
Older, wiser, more beautiful now than ever,
Full of love for myself,
Understanding, at last, the value of my self.
I used to see myself as the one who lost,
But all along it was you.

09/06/2005

Author's Note: For an old love. Gosh, the realizations just keep coming. I can't believe I've lived through sixteen years without having this "DUH" moment before now.

Posted on 09/06/2005
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