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My First, and Perhaps My Last, Haibun Creation (Revised)
by Jeffrey ParrenI'd like to think there couldn't be any amount of preparation for a loved one dying, but in the case of my mother, I have been growing up knowing that she was both fragile and not going to be around for a long time. Years of Diabetes and various related ailments have taken toll. It started two Fridays ago, as I come to learn. She was asking for her towel. She wanted her bathrobe. The words were already escaping a damaged mind. It was her last day at home.
not awake
tuesday come and gone
"honey bunch"
I visit her all week, or as much as my hope can stand. She can't complete sentences. She isn't awake enough to even realize I am there, if she still recognizes me at all. A week from hell, it is the first time I have ever thought about life without her in earnest. Between working hard all week and dreams of coming home late at night from work and seeing the house lit aglow telling of the impending doom, I need to blow off some steam.
after the strip club
"wake me"
on a scribbled note
Although waking my father is completely both out of the question and useless at this point, I do as the note says. He leans towards me into the spot on the bed where my mom usually is, and in his paraphrased version of technical jargon tells me: "She's not going to make it. Couple days to a week." There it is.
complete sentences
now a complicated task
inevitable
The Friday proceeded to incomplete sentences failing complete thoughts. First time for everything, first time to doubt her existence. Ironically the infection is attacking her heart, something she has the most. She has fought so many things; so hard. This is the one fight she will lose. The first loss. Her last loss. At least she told me she was happy. At least she knows I love her so dearly. Where do I go from here?
fuck you god
nature's balance
good die young?
lost religion
"all endings are beginnings"
searching for reasons
fictional hero
grandmother
her legacy; me 06/13/2005 Author's Note: Revised 6/13/2005 - Special thanks to Agnes Eva for the reminder post in the Tadpole Society that was completely by luck I saw it, but her suggestions for revision paved a path for me to finally revise it to where all the loose strings seemingly were gone.
Posted on 06/13/2005
Copyright © 2024 Jeffrey Parren
| Member Comments on this Poem |
| Posted by Ashok Sharda on 06/14/05 at 04:35 PM I do see the continuity, like a commentary in poetry but then I also see the continuty of hope metamorphosing into hopelessness and the continuity of the emotion and love in these lines and depiction in this poetic form. |
| Posted by Maureen Glaude on 07/07/05 at 09:51 PM seems we not only have an interest in haibun in common. Your mom's illnesses are directly comparable to what we've been suffering with my brother's situation (as a mid-aged diabetic, staph bacteria attacking his heart and causing stroke effect, etc. now the kidneys not performing well)- on the subject of the haibun, I didn't read the original, but having just read some examples from Agnes' suggested website on these, I really found yours worked and is effective. Very moving, haunting, and gripping. Thanks, and prayers. You've blended a lot of haiku in with the several prose pieces, and it kept me involved. Sorry for the subject, but very well done in my humble haibun opinion. |
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