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April 19, 2005

by Shayla R Cakes

I woke up this morning,
And I wasn't mad at you anymore.
I didn't question why....just got dressed and prepared for my day.
Or at least tried to prepare.
I went outside and it was pouring down rain
It wasn't supposed to rain, but it did anyway.
Rained so hard that my clothes needed to be changed.
I changed into a shirt signifying my love for your band.
Didn't even think too hard about it...just felt it was right.
I went to work and spoke of you, like I had never been mad to begin with.
Spoke of you like we'd just shared a kiss earlier in the day.

He called me to tell me the news...
That you had traveled on to another point in your existence.
That I was never going to see you again.
How unexpected.
I remember everything...the tone in his voice, the words he said, the way I collapsed and fell to the floor.
I just got in my car and drove....drove til I found myself somewhere. I thought to myself "Why?"
For the first time I knew I wasn't the only person with my questions. I remember talking to you...and yelling at you...and crying for you....
And your mother, your brothers, your niece, your 5 brothers in music, for me.
I was never going to see you again? The though dumbfounded me. I had just seen you on Headbangers Ball...looking a little sick, but so excited and nervous...your dreams coming true.
I was never going to hear your voice again? You just called me ten days ago. I was at work, I'm sorry I didn't answer your call...I had no way to call you back, I'm sorry.
I was never going to touch you again? You had just hugged me in the warm spring night
After all we had been through...all we'd yet to resolve
All the unexplained, the unmentioned, the unforgiven, and unreminded.
I've told you every day for as long as I can remember that I love you.
Here's the difference between then and now...now you can hear me.
I can't hide from you anymore.
Remember that night that you asked "Can I just get you drunk so you'll tell me you love me?"
I suppose I gave you the wrong response when I said "You don't have to get me drunk."
That's my only regret with you.
That's the only regret with my whole life.
I hope you understood what I meant...
I know how we said the said "love" from time to time.
And I suppose I'll never know what you REALLY meant by it....But I love you. I've always loved you, and I'll always love you.
My heart belongs to you, it's always belonged to you, and it'll always belong to you.
I miss you.

April 19th, 2005. A day that will live in infamy. A day I will remember for the rest of mine. The day I lost my heart...my soul...my lover and my best friend.

06/13/2005

Author's Note: -Bryan Daniel Ottoson- March 18 1978 - April 19 2005 Joining the 27 club far too soon.

Posted on 06/13/2005
Copyright © 2019 Shayla R Cakes

Member Comments on this Poem
Posted by Sarah Graves on 08/13/05 at 05:07 AM

This was a pain-staking read for me.. so intense with emotions, over-flowing even after the words stopped. Thats all I can really say..

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