I broke down today

right in the middle of playing
a goddamned piano song,
that one from Evita
that you always liked

and all I could think of
were all of the things
you never heard me play
or saw me create
or watched me accomplish
and I know such things would've made you
happy, maybe even proud

and I can't help wondering
why you didn't think that
was worth staying around for.

God, even now, 4 years later,
you still can make me
break down, sobbing,
at the smallest reminder.

I know the best way
to get over what you did
is to turn my sorrow to anger,
blame you for it, completely,
as is perhaps fair -
I could disdain you for being a coward,
for choosing the easy way out.

Damnit, I wanted you to see all of this!
I needed you to be a part
of this life that you created.
I wanted you there when I went to college,
I still want you back
to walk me down the aisle,
to hold your grandchildren.
And I could easily come
to hate you
for robbing each of these moments from me

But the truth is
I miss you too much.
You were a good father,
and I loved you,
and it seems I have to choose
between pain over how you left me
or tainting 16 years of memories with hate.

Either way, I've still lost you.
I'm crying as I write this,
and I know it won't be the last time.

06/12/2005

Posted on 06/12/2005
Copyright © 2024 Amanda J Cobb