Heady with the scent of people
smiling laughing people joking
sexualities
unfolding.
Careless
gorgeous and great.

I sat
there in the middle
laughed along
played nintendo with the longlost friends
and watched the boys pretend
to touch eachother between legs.

Here the fingers feel whatever's handy.
Here they pay no mind.
Where everyone is joking when they're not
and never joking.
I sat
and then they sat
almost on top.

A game.
A tickle.
Nothing til her hand was on my naked thigh
skirt riding up and showing off my skin.

I move it
place it back
and put her hand
back on her lap.

A game.
Joke.
Jest.
Nothing.
Nothing to these people here
and yet
though not entirely opposing
(blood was coursing)
there's a sickening inside of me I hate
but know so well.

You.
That's when I remember you
the way you held my face when you were sure
that you would leave.
The way I cried for someone I would lose
(then find again), and how
you tried to touch your lips to mine
and everything inside me
turned to ice
and parts of you
became revolting.

I want to throw my stomach on the carpet
at your memory
at how I felt so broken there that day
and how I felt so sick.

And thats when I took her boy's phone
and called him.
I told him the jokes and the games
and said that I love him
told him I called
(4 times in 2 hours)
made plans for tomorrow.

Nothing feels right
without him.

04/22/2005

Author's Note: "I could never love again, so much as I love you..."

It's weird with theatre people. Because its a joke until it isn't... and it's nothing til it makes you sick despite the understandings. I just can't. Oh god, then Tim flashes back. I wanted to hurl. theres a piece of our friendship which has totally evaporated since that moment. The friendship piece I guess. Looks haven't changed, so physical attraction stays the same...but I can't help thinking that people who cheat can't be people who love. Nothing feels right when it's wrong. Nothing feels right if it isn't him. Tim, fuck, I wish you had never tried, because I miss the friend I know I dont want back.

Posted on 04/23/2005
Copyright © 2024 Trisha De Gracia