i am not who you think i am. i do not portray myself as this insecure, vulnerable, attempt at a human. proud as i may seem aesthetically of my witty retorts and my articulate phrasing, i am my own antonym. i have finally lost my sense of self, my mind, my grasp on sanity. every location i am in becomes my prison. it has taken me all too long to realize that my escapist notions of utopia can only be found through suicide, but i don't belief in selfish choices, so someone, please shoot me. self-destruction does not appear in lines across my wrists, instead it feeds on my decisions, my expressions, my replies. i can make you believe that i am something great, for about two seconds. figure me out, and you'll move on, baby. i am hopeless. useless. disrespect me, cause i like it. it's easy to yell at me, i take it. i am peaches and cream, sweet as pie, and i want nothing more than to lose my cool. i want to break down publicly and scratch out my eyes, i want to scream, i want to cry so loudly and utter such vulgarity that mothers will hide their children. i have to get out, i have to get out, but where do i go, there's nothing to lose except everything i've ever held onto. my choices are plagued with faulty guesses, bad subject matter, one-night sexual plots with fake orgasms and exaggerated moans. my b movie would be shut off by intellectuals, i try to seem so worldy, but i'm ignorant and petty. lick my wounds, dry my tears, make me realize i'm worthy. kick me when i'm down, spit salt, whip me bloody with your words. tenderness is overrated. who are all these people that claim to know me? you don't know me because i can never be sincere. i am just a fucking delusion of someone that wants to be concrete, interesting. i am terrified of being boring. but i am. nothing spectacular has happened to me. i am unrealistic in my aspirations, i want to change the world, but i am superficial, intensely flawed, simple. i am not who you think i am. i am a stranger to myself.

04/06/2005

Posted on 04/07/2005
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