Poppy, my dearest, deepest secret darling,
I am more alone than I have ever been before, and that is nothing compared to you. I have never missed you more...I have never missed you till right now.
All these years of carrying you around, even though I tried to expell you....all these years of crying for you and weighing myself down with the guilt.....even then I did not miss you. How could I miss a girl that never was? How could I miss an unreality.
The guilt was that I realized this.
If I could have known that today I would realize you. I feel so empty and unuseful as a woman, and the space you were engaged in feels vast.
To replace you would be an insult, and yet this good man that you did not know, who was not your father, who did not make you good....I would make you again in his image instead.
I would ressurect you, the half of you I wanted, the half of you I mourn for, and I would mix with my husbands love and we could be together again.
I would never miss you, like I miss you now. For the first time.

03/23/2005

Posted on 03/24/2005
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