maybe nothingness feels like this.

i hold on to my lack of inspiration
with white-knuckled fists
and daydream away the remaining moments
with hopeful childish desires
of feeling your skin on mine again.

every time i close my eyes
it creeps up on me.
so vividly i remember every breath,
fluttering eye-lids and red cheeks.
tied up in bedsheets you wrapped yourself around me
i entwined myself in you.

since then i feel as though
i have grown new skin,
and it is twice as hardened now
and ten times more repellant.
only strangers think they know me.

i wish that i was beautiful like you.

i thought that my independence
would be uplifting and new
but i am so lonely,
God i'm so lonely.

no one is you, that's what it comes down to.
no one knows me the way you did and
you still finish my sentences across the table,
eyes revert to the floor
and i can see your forehead screwed up in two intense lines
and i know that you're remembering the way it was,
and how it tasted.

it tasted so beautiful.

we can't talk about it now,
we avoid the situation completely
but i remember the stifled sentiments you whispered
in my ear at inopportune moments when i believed
you could love me.

and this hopeless cynic
is the same as she was,
a little wiser in last year's dress
remember what was and what never will be again.

God, i wish i was beautiful.

03/22/2005

Posted on 03/23/2005
Copyright © 2024 Lauren Singer