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Leaving my first love

by Carl Walker

I had a love, i thought it was love in the seventh grade. Ellen, oh i was smitten. was that my first love?

later in the army
i was looking for sex and I thought it was love, until I found it for sale and sampled it. the bitterness of what I had done lingered a long time. I never wanted to confuse sex with love again.
was that my first love?

Later after the army i was lookin for life and thought love could give it
I was in love with the thought of being in love.

i think Debbie was too, we shared something, we shared our bodies, we shared our time, we shared some sorrows, we shared our thirst to each suck the life out of the other, we were both glad when we didn't share anything else. i din't never want to confuse loving love with love again, too painful
that wasn't my first love, was it.

i fell in love with jesu, and he gave me life. i didn't no longer seek love in sex or life in being in love. I met Patricia, we swam naked in a summer lake and shared friendship but not sex. we were friends for a long time and then she talked politics with me. it turned me on and we wed and shared a bed, for thirty years so far.

my first love was me, i loved myself more than any other. Patricia is teaching me to love jesu and jesu is love

i think my need is not to be taught love but to have love caught me

jesu, he do that so i can see

my first love for the false strumpet it am and to love some other more than I love myself.


Author's Note: is this explicit, well it mentions sharing bodies and sex for sale. on the bad grammer, read the poem a few times with this in mind, the bad grammer and bad spelling convey a sense of confusion of the author in working out and understanding the place of sexuality in managing a relationship in a way the feeds the maturity and happiness of both partners. Let me know what you think.

Posted on 03/12/2005
Copyright © 2021 Carl Walker

Member Comments on this Poem
Posted by Quentin S Clingerman on 03/13/05 at 01:53 AM

An intriguing psychological and spiritual biographical sketch. Why the use of poor grammar? I found it a bit confusing. I think it is explicit only when sexual details are given or suggested in some kind of obvious symbolism. It is interesting that selflove can really be selfhatred by some form of selfdeception!

Posted by Susan Q Tomas on 03/14/05 at 03:26 AM

This wound an interesting story. I liked all the questions with a concluding answer in the end. A good summary of life lessons.

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