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NO ONE TO BLAME BUT ME

by Mark Maxey

As all stories go…
In the beginning was this child like giddiness adventure
In getting to know a new friend
Plausible were the intentions and sincere
Another light hearted robust exhilaration
Of new things shared, experienced and made new by your presence

It was a temporary adventure as a vagabond upon this modern day macabre we call OKC
What started out as kindhearted…slowly recklessly turned from utopia to unsightly

What pisses me off is how you said I crossed boundaries
But I remember asking permission and you always invited me in

You said you did not appreciate my closeness to your body
But truth is shown by your actions with another
Of which you partook in what you said you did not want

But in the small blocks of time are moments
That not even an angel could improve

But the two-forked words were misconstrued
By my rambunctious mind
But in the end your silence only made my mind swirl till I puked

Your words you weren’t uttering
Cannot fix what has crumpled beneath us

As if a tornado of emotions swept us away
Neither spoke of talking shelter
One must yell, “RUN FOR YOUR LIFE”
If one does not want to be consumed by the storm

The abruptness of this change
Was ambiguous to me as finding a home in a thick dark fog

Some would ask how this flagrant oceanic wave of emotion
Could be muddled in my sight, but truth is told
All I can say that I was blind

Nauseating as it is…my naive ness played like a fiddle in the hand of a master
But I was only the string being manipulated by my rambunctious spirited adventure
Some saw as seductive
But at times it was therapeutic in that this zealousness was birthing my slumbering soul

No one to blame but me

As you turn to the end of this chapter one might be quick to assume the ending
But this chapter could have numerous endings
But in truth it was in the nebulous of the moment
That the ordinary painfully tilted making for a jagged chard
Of what should have been a magical imagery of gleaming friendship

But the heartbreaking truth lies in a notation at the end with the footnotes

The instinctive voice of knowing lay dormant upon lips that could not
Utter a guttural sound thus leaving empty cloudy damaging disarray
Of truth that should have been spoken

Receiver dead…no batteries…for this deserted radio
Frequency cluttered not heard for it was silent

Determined to write another ending…my typed words fell upon dysfunctional ears
That closed tighter than alum placed in apple pie
What were harmonious was now jumbled pieces of emotions for us both to wade through

Instinctive as I can be
I looked within myself as an astronomer looks through a telescope
Had I been this knowing as I am today
This chapter may not have been the end

This lamentable tale has 2 players
Only one character seems to utter his words
While the other is muted by their malicious denial of dialogue

Even my painful apology offered with penitent heart
Was ruthlessly aborted by your silence

Somberly I awake
And reluctantly walk away from this carnage

I see my flaws
I work capriciously to fix them
As I know I can
From my own astounding transformation 10 years ago from prison

Yet this abrupt end may be accidental
Fate is never whimsical

So this chapter closes to be written no more
A chill of demonic sounds can not change the inevitable

But I know another chapter will dash in when least expected
But this time
Without you being written in

07/14/2004

Posted on 01/18/2005
Copyright © 2024 Mark Maxey

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