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Inner Struggle

by Adrian Calhoun

Sitting in a room full of people,
and i'm the only one here.
There's no pleasure in company,
when you want solitude.

We exchange hand shakes
and fake greetings,
pretending we really care.
I can't help but want to puke.

Why when I have a wife, kids,
family, friends, and love,
do I feel empty?
What makes this loneliness,
why is it so distinct?

I should be home right now,
instead i'm out just driving around
wasting fuel and time.

How can I search someone elses eyes
looking for a spark,
when eyes await my longing stare at home.
I'm a freaking idiot,
what's wrong with me?

All my life i've been looking for more,
seeking that which cannot be found,
attempting to obtain what I don't have.

I'm either selfish,
or very unsatisfied.
I can't seem to find that elusive desire,
contentment, heartfelt love, inner peace.
The inner struggle continues on everyday,
haunting and annoying me to no end.

Where do you draw lines after you crossed
all the lines that were already in place.
After they have become blurred.

Why are things that are so wrong,
always appear to be just right.
Why do I let myself fall so far, so fast.

I think i'm broken or wired wrong,
yet I can't quite get myself fixed.
Then again that's what got me into
this mess i'm in in the first place.
I felt broken and incomplete.

Right now i'm not sure
if I deserted God for feeling so alone,
or He deserted me for allowing myself to fall.

Either way,
once again i'm feeling alone.

I hate right and wrong,
I hate the world,
I hate almost everyone,
I really hate myself.


Author's Note: Don't listen to 'Lord I hope this day is good' by Don Williams when your depressed

Posted on 01/07/2005
Copyright © 2024 Adrian Calhoun

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