i can't believe you refuse to look at me
just because my fingernails are dirty.
like i'm the reason the sun didn't come out
today or something and every time my dog barks
i am startled by the silence that falls after.
you never know how truly insane you are
until sanity takes over and sentences learn
to complete themselves. i don't trust myself
in strange company and when you called today
it reminded me of all the times you hadn't.
i'm finding happiness in the orange peels you
leave behind every time you stand too close
and i don't touch myself anymore for fear
someone is watching me or not watching at all.
i learned to sleep while standing up just to
please you but gravity doesn't appreciate my
antics and you never noticed anyway. look,
i'm just trying to be comfortable in my own skin
popping vicodins and reading cosmo, watching
my favorite shows wishing i was a little taller,
a little smaller, a little more closer to you. it's
okay to breathe, to be who you need to be as
long as it fits into this glossy world spread before
me. but i don't agree, have never agreed. i
began living outside of the box and they went and
changed all the locks when i wasn't looking.
but that's alright with me. i just wish it could
be alright with you. so what's a girl to do. i'm
bogged down with all of these damn please's &
thank you's and would you like a curtsey with that
or should i save some shred of dignity for the ones
watching through the window who never say anything
at all. and now it's fall and God and i haven't talked
at all. he's too busy listening for everything i can't
bring myself to say but he knows me and hey,
that's more than enough. i wish i could say that much
for the shadow who follows me around and i stop
to listen but i never hear a sound. i guess there
really isn't much to talk about. nobody cares to know
that these days are bending into something unbearable
and that if i had to i'd drink every day to be alive just
because i could & really i should because everyone
knows that everything is more appealing when you're
three sheets to the wind. i could stand drunk all day
staring into a mirror wishing i was there with you
wishing you were here. and beautiful. i could be
beautiful once & for all. beautiful while standing up
to you and to this world and beautiful when i fall.

11/04/2004

Author's Note: tryin to get out of the writer's block rut.

Posted on 11/05/2004
Copyright © 2024 Olivia Weinkein