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My Dollmaker
by Shonda Creemeryou course through my mind
so tender it hurts
I can't seem to let you go
dooming myself to reminisce our
significant impressions of yesterday
feverishly clouding my thoughts
you dangle our memories
from a frayed cord of forgotten love
drowning them in a pool of silence
words never spoken
paths never ventured
a future never born
I can't remember how it was
only how it was to be
to be alone
hiding from the inside
churning with regret
crushing my porcelain dreams
I will always be your china doll
with the paper heart
staring out of my glass box
waiting for you to return to me 09/28/2004 Posted on 09/30/2004
Copyright © 2024 Shonda Creemer
| Member Comments on this Poem |
| Posted by Charles E Minshall on 09/30/04 at 11:34 PM Welcome to Pathetic Shonda: Nice poem to start off with...Charlie |
| Posted by Ashok Sharda on 10/01/04 at 03:23 AM Yes, I see love and both the other synonyms, faith and hope.Nicely composed piece reflecting longings and beautiful feelings with certain amount of sadness. |
| Posted by Michelle Angelini on 10/01/04 at 04:16 AM Shonda, this is beautiful. Great way to start on pathetic - welcome! |
| Posted by Nadia Gilbert Kent on 10/06/04 at 05:17 PM I agree a tad with Gallo - although I like it, I think there are parts where I'm being TOLD as opposed to shown just what is going on. You tell well, but it would be more inviting (in the sense of putting me into the position you were in, or thinking of being in) if little sections were adjusted, like: |
| Posted by Nadia Gilbert Kent on 10/06/04 at 05:18 PM AGHDFH fudgecicles.... okay, so I was going to delete that and write out something else, because I reread and decided that what I had to say had more to do with this: |
| Posted by Nadia Gilbert Kent on 10/06/04 at 05:22 PM I think you add to many "ings," and that it comes across as hyperdramatic gut-spilling, as opposed to reflecting - showing me what's going on. For instance: "feverishly clouding my thoughts" might become, "fever clouds all thoughts." It also might help if you avoid YOU throughout. These are all just personal preferences, please don't take this in that I didn't like it, because I did. Very much so. I'm also a snob. Okay, done. |
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