reach into my insides where the sadness lives.
he drug right through.
"you almost had me there. that last time" and my
smile is crooked but my thinking never is
as long as you don't count then and then and then
right then and the wind it blows
sends chills right through me but i'm remembering
rain and a time when you didn't exist inside of me
he reminds me
a little of myself and i think about fires and
all of the words my father never said to me
and i am haunted but this boy, he is reaching
and i'm just so very good at being on hand.
i want to call this something, i want to make it up
if i have to and scream it into the ears of anyone
who has ever questioned my reasons behind being so
afraid, behind
being so stale
...so very
broken hearted...
where were you when the whole world died and it rained
for three days & counting. counting.
i am counting still and this isn't what i meant when
i said i needed change. i only wanted to make a call
to someone i used to know before. i only wanted
to save myself.

frightening, the things you never seem
to get used to even though you've been there so many
times before.
mar 4, 04
-----------

baby's all tied up in knotts but i'm drinking
so i'm feeling brand new again.
you would have loved me once. i just know it.

sometimes
you just know these things.

and who's knocking on my door again. mister,
it better not be you. i knocked you down once
when i had nothing better to do but i'm through
wasting lives. wasting yours and wasting mine.
and now she's talking to herself again.
easy as cheese to forget me. a slab of ham,
a slice of cheddar.

i'm better off without you,
she says most convincingly.

it isn't raining outside for once. i just thought
you would want to know. and i'm not wearing my
sunglasses inside these days. i just thought...

well,

you know.
mar 4, 04
-----------

people are scarecrows
that dance about,
swinging their hips from one
event to the next.
their stuffing, falling carelessly,
a little left behind after
each new movement.

he and i, we twist into eachother and
i say, be careful now,
lest we catch on fire.

he smiles, "no,no, we can't have that"
mar 4, 04
------------

i dreamt of a gun against my head
with noone around to pull the trigger
and i called out to you but you were
sleeping, screaming, one or the other.
and i guess i could have figured
something else out but i was too busy
dreaming of a boy with the bluest eyes
i'd ever seen and of a world i knew
i'd be leaving.

(quicker than the Bang! that never went off.)

mar 4, 04
------------

he sleeps between the silver lining.
i am never so confusing as this but listen
anyway while again,
i say nothing.

the flowers sleep so sound around here but
the windchimes don't let me sleep a wink.
mar 4, 04
-----------

how beautifully odd, that space of time
between here and then when you just know
that you are finally ready to be free,
to let go. the thoughts that drive them
selves into your head, the way they caress
and bend and every word you write from them
seems so pretty, so pretty. and you think,
these will be my last, i have to make them
mean something and then you think, but will
it be from the lack of meaning that someone
see's something that will help to explain
why you curled up, why you just could not
stay.
i don't know.
which is the reason most
leave in the first place.
they
just
don't
know.
mar 4, 04
------------

if you could just not
say the things you say,
look at me the way you do,
touch me like you mean it
with everything you have
and hold me like you cannot
let go, then it would be a
hell of alot easier on me
to get up. to walk away.

i can't keep turning around.
i can't keep running into you.
mar 4, 04
----------

03/04/2004

Author's Note: rough, rough, rough with absolutely NO intention of ever cleaning up.

Posted on 03/05/2004
Copyright © 2024 Olivia Weinkein