Staring out the window at the trees
silhouetted by a twilight sky
zooming past me
eager to leave the scenario.
The tears are stinging my eyes
and I long to roll down the glass
and be sucked out into the evening.

The words are always the same
packing the familiar dull ache and sharp pang
as the previous night.

Over and over and over....
I just don't get it
(you make that apparent).
Rain splats on the windshield in fat little drops
I absorb that exquisite
piercing tone,
feeling it turn me to lead.

I shake.
I try to tell you why.
I care and I'm trying so hard.
I'm sorry for all that I do that can't please you--
My voice is clipped shorter and shorter the longer I try
and your words just get tenser and tenser
louder and louder
filling the tiny blue car as the streetlights
swagger their colours on silky road
and we fly by with the night so oblivious.

Streets are oddly empty.
I do nothing but stare
he does nothing but screams
and I don't understand.
I don't get it.

It gets to that point.
I've screamed my throat raw.
My body's convulsing.
It stops.
My mouth closes.
I choke on my actions
and all that I foolishly thought was enough.

I can't drown myself in this downpour.
I am reborn in the morning
deformed.

02/07/2004

Author's Note: Everytime we're alone in the car. You make me feel like everything I do for you means nothing. I don't do enough. You scream that I'm only thinking of me. That I don't give a shit about you what you do. That every fight is one I start. That I can't even own up to my responsibilities. That you thought I was smarter than this. Well I guess I'm not. I guess I'm your idiot child who can't get it right no matter how many times you scream in my ear. You make me so tired. You make me want to give up. You make me want to drown, to fail, to lose evrything just so you could see how hard I was trying before. Sometimes I can't stand what you do to me....

Posted on 02/07/2004
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