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Ode to a terrible, awful rectal itch in church

by Carl Walker

I’m squirming

in the suirmin

I’m twitching

With an itching

And I’m fearing I’ll be hearing

Of secrets that I’ve hid

Preposterous and monsterous

Apparitions of the mind

Invented to explain

The movement and discomfort

Of irritation in my behind<p>

I’m sighing almost crying

I’ve gained attention of the croud

Perhaps they think me pious

Perhaps they think me cowed

I can’t imagine the explanations

That I’ll start to hear out loud<p>

My wife begins to nudge me

My children start to moan

It is not that I’m a sinner

Or feeling late to dinner

But the suirmin’s not half over

And I long to scratch that itch<p>

Energetically and frentically

My butt moves in the pew

My legs are now involved

And I ask

What should i do?<p>

should i stand and scratch

Not caring who would know

should i retreat to a far back chair

and hope to keep my secret there<p>

the pastor is ordaining

my wife is now complaining

but it seems there’s no relief

for a membrane causing grief<p>

but the pastor is now approving

to the suirmin he thinks I’m grooving

such feeling he rarely gets

as the croud stoicly sits

but one like me it seems

gets the message, he deems

and I know they’ll ask me to be an elder

and to sit upon a committee

because my squirmin during the suirmin

has now been misconstrued<p>

so if you don’t want to find yourself

in leadership of the church

if your bottom is throbbin

stay home

01/18/2004

Author's Note: I'm not sure if this is explicit or not, but I sure am moving around in my chair as though my soul is exercised about something. and yeah, I know how to spell crowed, couwd, uhhh and sermion too. don't u ever like to misspel words for fun. just break a rule why don't cha

Posted on 01/18/2004
Copyright © 2024 Carl Walker

Member Comments on this Poem
Posted by Jane E Pearce on 01/18/04 at 09:18 PM

LOL-great poem and rhyme. Thanks for the humor. (and don't forget to take your Prepararion H everywhere with you.) LOL

Posted by Susan Q Tomas on 01/19/04 at 05:46 PM

At first I thought this must be a metaphor for something. Butt no. It is just funny.

Posted by Adrian Calhoun on 01/22/04 at 06:55 PM

OH man i'm a laughin. Maybe some preparationH there pal LOL. Maybe it was the Hly Gas LOL....oh man you got me goin now, I gotsta stop. Funny stuff here Carl !!!!

Posted by Kara Hayostek on 03/14/04 at 10:35 PM

OMG this is so funny, I even like the mispellings. I for one enjoy mispronouncing common words just for fun. You should lead preperation H's ad campain. LOL

Posted by Jean Mollett on 10/06/07 at 02:56 AM

Hi Carl, Great write. I know it wasn't funny at the time, but this is kinda funny in a way. I like the way you worked it together. Great job. I would have just got up and headed to the bathroom. Carry your buddy, Prepararion H with ya.

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