I hear our song.. and it just brings me back.. takes me back through the years of forgotten pain.. through the tears.. to that defining happy moment.. where everything was perfect. before the lies.. before the distance.. before the beginning of the end… I smile. I remember how happy you made me.. How happy I could be loved by someone I loved… Happy that the world looked up for a change.. like I could do anything, be anyone, be anywhere… with you.
I thank music.. I thank the sweet smell of bath and body works Peach.. these things are powerful reminders of you… the memories locked deep inside.. that I fought for years to forget and suppress..
I can hear songs and be transported back.. to staring into your eyes.. to the time I put your pillowcase in a ziplock bag.. just to savor your smell.. to relish in it as I fantasized about you… back…
You’re scent has long faded.. Your songs aren’t on the radio unless requested.. but you’re memory is played… a thousand times a week or so.. dreams.. daydreams…conversations…internal reservations..

I miss you… but I guess that’s hindsight for you.. Nothing we could do… like we had a clue..
I dream…about you… I hope…good things for you.. if I couldn’t be it, I understand.. It just didn’t turn out like I planned…

I love you.. or at least the you I knew back then…
And maybe I’m committing another sin..
On my heart.. overbearing with pain and misery
And I’m just living in a fantasy..
For I think that I ruin everything I touch..
But I come to miss the past so much..
Now I wonder what to do in this world without you.

Grasping at straws to describe my feelings…
But I just keep slamming my head into verbal ceilings..
I want to explain this longing I burden myself with…
How I miss your mid morning kiss of a gift
The wrapped up blanket that glued us together at the hip
The way you held my face as you kissed me and sucked on my lip..
The dreams you gave me when you molested me in my sleep..
These memories of you.. that I will always keep…

01/12/2004

Posted on 01/12/2004
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