it was january.
i was cold & my nose
was running and there was
something slightly different about
your mouth. it wasn't moving.

and there were people talking everywhere
inside of this house and outside: out there
in that world we have for so long now been
afraid of. i didn't get up to look out of
the windows, i didn't dream of those people,
those faraway places. not now.

you were inside, near me, not with me but
not without. isn't it funny how sometimes when
you least expect it, a slight twitch of a face
or a certain gleam in an eye can make you see
things more clearly than you'd ever believed
possible.

and there are things i will never say to you.
there are stories, secrets i will never tell.
my love for you will be kept safely now. hidden
& perfect. always inside of me. never wavering.
never s l o w i n g down.

sometimes i wake up before the sun and although
everything is dark, i am well aware that it is
no longer night. you can just feel it in the air,
the about-ness of everything. it is about to be
morning. i am about to get up. we are about

to be ok. observations keep me alive and sane.
they keep you from slipping away from me because
i know what you see when you look at me and i'm not
afraid anymore. i no longer turn away. can you feel
what winter does to a soul. when everything is
stripped of it's disguise. the trees, barren. no
leaves to lead us astray. no reason to hide our eyes.

someday, i'd like to tell you that i was a child too
once. to be able to put into words just how much i
miss my home in every sense of the word. but would
you believe me if i said i found a way to get it all
back. could you believe me when i can't even believe
myself. growing up, up & over but never older. never

now. it wasn't supposed to be like this. are you my
peter pan. honesty is saying i need you to feel alive,
denial is closing the door on your hands. we fail when
we try too hard and i am not pretty

anymore.

01/10/2004

Author's Note: (it was january. i was cold & my nose was running and there was something slightly different about your mouth. it wasn't moving.)

Posted on 01/11/2004
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