At night,
When the busy noise of the day has receded
And my world is finally silent
I succumb to the ache in my heart
Where my children used to be.
I close my eyes, and travel to my children's beds
Where they sleep in their "other" home.

One by one, I tuck them in,
Brush their hair from their sweet faces,
Kiss their foreheads
And tiptoe away until I find myself
Back in my home,
In my own room,
Without them.

As I lay in my quiet cocoon
Safe from what outsiders think they know about me
I am free to ponder the mysteries
That brought this experience into my life.

In the beginning,
When the wounds were fresh,
Anger would gurgle up from deep within
While hot tears coursed through new worry lines
Landing, with a solid pop, on my pillowcase.

As time went on,
The sadness sent the tears too,
But these tears were more delicate,
Sliding quietly onto my breasts
Without the intense timbre from before.

And finally, as the months without my children
Have wound their way through time to become years,
The sadness has given way to something new,
Something unexpected,
Something which contained a somber healing grace
Something that no one could have told me would visit.

Gentleness.

That is what I have named my invisible angel...

Gentleness.

For this Gentleness cultivates
Forgiveness where there was once resentment;
Mildness where far too often there were harsh,
horrible words;
Kindness where once malice did dwell;
Sweetness where, not long ago,
Bitterness was the main spice
In everything that flavored my unhappy world.

Gentleness.

She reminds me that life is so short;
That time, as we know it, literally sails past us
If we don't reach out for our portion
And, thank goodness, I've discovered that
I've no time to spare for the biting luxuries
That are spent when energy is consumed
By the fires of rage

She whispers to me now,
Carried in with the soft wind through my window
To tenderly caress my aging face
And brush away the wisps of graying hair
She kisses my cool forehead,
Singing me to sleep with a loving lullaby
That only lonesome mommies can understand.

Her name floats as an echo of mercy in my soul
And I go to sleep with a heart full of a future I can
embrace
As long as I remember to summon her presence
Whenever my heart aches...

In the place where my children did dwell.

12/09/2003