as he pushes my body into the perfect pose
for his un-doing, i take note of the violence
in his eyes so to remember it to write about
later. and he asks me "are you scared" and
i'm thinking No but i'm screaming Yes because
i know this is what he likes to hear.

there is too much light in this room to ever
get to the startling depths he is needing to
take to feel brand new again. i cannot be plunged
into a dark and sinister place with a 90 watt
lightbulb beaming on the top of my head and
stuffed animals crowded together at the corner of
my bed. but i close my eyes and play the

damsel-in-distress because i know this is what
he likes best. and it's a rough and tumble but
my struggle is a bit light-hearted because i've
had a long day and it just keeps getting longer.

(soon enough he will be done and his little boy
charm will come barreling back and he'll want to be
held, he'll want his insecurities cooed to sleep, a
kiss on the forehead, and words like 'i love you',
and i will happily give this to him because i do
love him if only for the reason that he needs Someone
to.)

but for now, for this small moment he is trying
to show me who is boss, what is his and what is mine
and i adore the effort he puts into this, but really
he could never be a true sado-masochist because
he always always Always leaves the light on.


because he knows
how so very afraid i am of the dark.

12/05/2003

Posted on 12/05/2003
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