I have found my void,
that nameless lack inside
that has driven me these past years
to try in vain to fill it
with as many types and flavors
as could have a name put to them.

I have found it,
found it in its little black lair
where it has been hiding,
refusing to be seen,
but always felt,
always prodding the edges of my being
with its emptiness,
threatening to grow.

And now, I know it,
know it for what it is -
and is not.

It is that space,
that gaping wound,
that black hole in my deepest parts
where he used to be,
where he and his unconditional love
were the glow, the lifeforce
that kept me alive,
kept me moving and close to that
elusive paradise we call happiness.
In his eyes, I was always beautiful.
I never had to change myself
to be worthy of his love,
never had to be better than I was.
He set no conditions on it -
I simply was, and that was enough.

He is the only one who has ever loved me like that.

Ingrate that I am, I took it for granted,
not realizing how vital it was,
not cherishing it for its rarity,
not truly appreciating him for the gift of it.

Forever too late now,
except in tardy, ink-strewn words
that he will never read.

I have found my void.
And knowing what should go there,
I despair of ever filling it again.

11/17/2003

Author's Note: 2nd draft. Having taken John's advice, I have rewritten. I personally think it is better than the first version.

Posted on 11/17/2003
Copyright © 2025 Amanda J Cobb