Sitting individually
four walls and a bed
watching time shift
in and out of gaps and
spaces between
electron flashes from 100 Watts
of mind numbing brilliance

This cold light
reminding me so consistantly
of utter and complete solitude.
This rip-me-open
tear-me-out-and-throw-the-rest-away
sort of feeling
that you have so boldly inspired.

Wandering in self-induced prison
finding the miniscule holes
in my theories of life
wondering why you left this shell
still bleeding words and tears
for you to collect in chalices
of mal-content and serve to guests
at functions and gatherings

and you do,
showcasing your triumph:
me, raw and tasteless,
to those desperate whores
and the kind of tuxedo-clad filth
you collect like dirt beneath your nails
while I bleed all over the hors d'oeuvres.

Bittersweet on tongues of gold,
leaving the aftertaste
of a million screams
and a life of striving
to add up to a set of ideals
that you created and polished
to a fine sheen of charismatic
lustre-fire pearls.

I screamed until my lungs were bare
my throat stripped and dry
"You lie to my face!
You tell me you love me
but you only love what you'd love to make me!"
You warped my reality
around everything you wished I'd become,
and here I'm still devoted to your memory-
still you are relentlessly pursuing.

Pursuing a dream that never existed
in a world of broken heart-glass.
Its pieces reflect the love for you that
still glows here in this bright unshaded
light that is the solitude
of my four-square hiding place.
Sitting, here alone with the steady
hum-flicker-buzz of this incandesent tormentor.
Reminding me that you are the cause and cure
of all the pain that rakes my eye-sockets
bare and sends waves of pleasure-pain
coursing down my serpentine spine.

How is it that you are the cause of everything?
All that starts and all that finishes
is somehow always tied to you.
I can never know
where my body ends
and yours begins.
You're the kind of late night
S&M
hurt me and do it again kind of pleasure
I need
-Don't stop...
I breathe you.

It's useless to resist...
I can't escape the pull
from your sickly-sweet-smile
beaming at me from the picture on my dresser.
Beating me over the head with imagined sarcasms;
Mocking my values and the times I tried
to make you feel important.
Sagging graciously
to the lowest point of reference
so everyone would notice you
and not the battery-pack plus-one
that is all that I became.

The glitter is gone
and the brilliance I used to see has faltered.
The light has drained from your candy-wrapper
celophane
see-right-through-you state of being
and you've left me dull like dust on the ceiling fan.

Now I sit here in utter darkness
the yellow light lashing it's hostility,
Existing solely for you in this tight space.
For you
my merciless enslaver
my love to top all loves that have been or ever will be,
but fleeting as the breeze that through this window
abondons me forever,
imprisons all I am
in these four walls.

11/16/2003

Author's Note: This was a collabo between me and JP Davies, one stanza at a time, with the last one by both of us. It should be up in his Library shortly, so you can comment there too if you wish. Much thanks for the inspiration Jordan :)

Posted on 11/17/2003
Copyright © 2024 Trisha De Gracia