It's that feeling
where you can almost hear the pin
before it drops.

In that face.
In that beautiful
terrible
infuriating face
you show me your soul
and smile like you know all the answers.

But what's still there that captured me
way back when
some millions of years ago, it seems
when we were just stupid lost teenagers.
Wow, that's familiar to you too?

That's why I still smile,
why I can't tear away.
Just when I think I've forgotten
I find that I dream
and your kisses still wet my lips,
your touch is just too
unforgettable.

In all faith and honesty
fear is what's choking me.
Suffocating,
Killing me.

The invisible pin hangs in mid-air
through a perfect smiling silence
that in my small world tends to flip
just as the quiet begins to feel sane.
Just when I think I can breathe
There's a twist in my windpipe
and songs turn sharp
love turns cold
and life's taken my bravery for granted.

This is when it starts again.
Glances to kiss you with,
Smiles to show you who I am
and who I was
and how they're still the same.
Undying words preserved in poetry,
Not a single verse erased
And nothing more than innocent touches
to prove to you that I'm sorry for this.
For all of this,
for causing this.

There in your arms
looking up at you through blue tv flicker
it was like seeing you for the first time,
ever.
Asking you
pleading you
something that won't touch my tongue,
a question I can't comprehend
like I've asked it before
like you've answered.

Like some how just asking is blasphemy:
You here, like this
and your arms
and those eyes
scream it louder than any mere English
could do.

But who can freeze a heart one way?
It's not in our power to choose what we love,
only to choose how we act
or not to.

So day after day
I choose not to.
Forget it
leave it
let it wither 'til it's nothing
choke it off
and stifle it for the good of everything
all that I want
to protect myself from a heart that means no harm
to save me from this never ending feeling
(What does it mean when it's never ending
like this is?)
to stop the pain before it has the chance to start
to save us from this game that's not a game
and never was
to do the logical thing
and turn my back to your brilliant gaze
and never let you know the truth.

And dumbly
here I sit
for the enth time since you appeared
breaking my "No Sappy Poetry" rule
and writing 12 stanzas
for you.

11/03/2003

Author's Note: Pah. I wrote stanzas 8 and 9 last night, sitting up, thinking. I built around them. I think it's turned out alright.

Posted on 11/04/2003
Copyright © 2024 Trisha De Gracia