somebody might find me
someday
just maybe
see through my skin
past walls of silence and shame
and a fake "I feel fine" smile

i cut my feet until they bleed
chunks of flesh scatter the floor
every step must hurt
a fresh token of my instability
as if i needed the reminder

"release your victim mentality"
thank you doctor

fall on your stomach with a man on your back
then tell me
how strong you feel
if you have any pride left
when a moment passes that you don't fully realize
that you'd rather be dead
that breathing is more labor than it's worth

"lay your burdens at the cross"
thank you preacher

have a man pin you down and threaten your life
then tell me
if god saw you there
why no angels ever came down
when a moment passes that you don't have the thought
that hell is here on earth
that you can't wait for heaven's timing

"let go of the bitter past"
thank you mama

but misery and agony are not your bed companions
they are mine
memories haunt my mind
with every shower every day
not a moment passes there that i don't remember
that i am alone in this world
that no matter how hard i scrub, i am unclean

"move on with your future"
thank you friend

but you don't know me as well as you think you do
you can't see
how dark i am inside
the places that i keep hidden
not a moment passes that i am not keenly aware
that my soul is old and twisted
that i am a complete stranger even to myself

without walls of self-imposed
darkness and lonliness
i'm sure i'd break apart
i feel fine
bone china
hairline fractured
crackling under my skin

11/02/2003

Author's Note: In 2002, there were 247,730 victims of rape, attempted rape or sexual assault. [RAINN] Some people are called "survivors" and are able to reclaim their lives. Some people just keep existing in the world, trying desperately to find the energy to breathe, the courage to wake up, and the will to be productive.

Posted on 11/03/2003
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