It's 12:30 a.m.

I'm sitting up in bed
staring at my naked self in the mirror.
---

I still feel his breath on my skin
and his hand running over my hair

but maybe I was dreaming-


was there sincerity there in his touch?
I felt a wisp of feeling there
in the way he held me
kissed my head
and sat contented with me.

Maybe it was just a breeze from the open window
or a wayward thought I couldn't control.
I sat there with him
laughing as I almost dozed off
with my head on his shoulder
my guard for an instant
relinquished
breathing in the warmth of his body
and trying to hold on to these few seconds
while I allow myself to feel.

-And then it comes back to me.

All the reasons why I never wanted to feel again.
I freeze in a sudden rush
of everything...

...of trusting in an idea
I suppose was so far fetched
-and we thought we'd prove the whole world wrong.
Instead all we proved
is that we can look relatively normal
after tearing apart all our lives
and hiding behind so many lies
for so long.

Was it ever based on something real?
I can't tell
from the obscure bits of reality
scattered among the unsurities.
Maybe you can.

You have a bit of terrifying leverage on your side
You know that I care.
God damn it.

It comes back to me
the reason why I feel so safe in your arms.
I remember them around me
sheilding me from the acid tongues of everyone
who doubted us-
but the arena is empty now.

Nobody's watching our production.
Now it's just you and me,
awkward and smiling,
wondering if we're in the stands
or still up on stage.

I wish I didn't care.

---
And it's 12:54
I can't fall asleep
for fear that I know excatly what I'll dream of.

10/13/2003

Posted on 10/13/2003
Copyright © 2024 Trisha De Gracia