((Untitled Rant)) by Trisha De GraciaThis is just it.
I'm denouncing the world.
I'm filled with outwardly pacified rage
it's oozing from my pores
just a sheen on the surface
you don't ever notice-
I saw that one coming.
I feel anger in every tear I won't let fall
every shout stifled
and every person that smiles and asks 'bout my day.
I want to hit them
to slap them across their faces and say
"Feel that? OK, now tell me, how's your day?"
I want to fall away into zero
to sink into cushy full-blown depression
suicidal thoughts and violent tendencies
back into where I was back then
when tear-stained grade A essays were the norm
where people didn't press in from all sides-
people who'll only hear their side
people who have you entirely figured out
like you're a book with obscene language in it
they're shocked but they can't help but turn the pages
and read me out to the class.
That's all it is
it's just people everywhere
all around
crowding my thoughts and my space and my dreams
filling them with unattainable visions
visions of the only love that feels right
and visions of myself as a fully functioning human being
without the defects and bugs in the software.
I miss everything.
Theatre days
jazz acadamy
the Drummer and good friend we just kicked from the band
being healthy
being happy
being nice.
God I miss everything.
I miss comfort, I suppose.
I miss the way Geordie's arms around me used to make the world dissolve.
I miss the way Jord used to make me laugh for what seemed like hours.
I miss the thrill of kisses with Shane, stolen ones.
I miss hearing Jordan sing to the guitar.
I miss feeling like somebody loves me for reasons even they can't explain.
I miss being in love.
I miss the feeling of everything going right,
of euphoric, endless, countless smiles.
This is it.
I'm denouncing the world. 09/17/2003 Author's Note: Quite the long-winded rant, but I needed itout, and not in a journal. Everythings just either listless or hostile right now. Every word I hear disgusts me. I can't make myself smile. It's not good enough for a real title yet.
Posted on 09/18/2003 Copyright © 2024 Trisha De Gracia
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