i've been wanting to write you a letter all day.

lately, you've been invading me,
and i know it's completely by accident.
even now, two years later,
you slip into my dreams and
leave me shaken when
i wake up in the morning.
(don't read in to that. you're simply in them.)

the apartment is hot,
despite the fan and my loose clothes.
i'm sitting here wondering if i should send this.
i'm not going to, and we both know that.
you wouldn't reply anyway, we both know that as well.

we were once so special to each other.
sisters in arms and soul bound.
i regret the severance of those ties,
more than i'll ever let on.
you still mean the world to me,
still hold this special, raw place in my heart,
and every time i think of you,
i wish you nothing but the best
(as terrible and hard as that is to believe).

how have you been, my long forgotten friend?
i'd do anything for that farewell
to be but a bitter taste in my mouth,
as you were, forever ago.
i'm not sure why i am sitting here
in front of my computer unable to sleep at two am.
it's twelve there.
ironic how i still think in those terms.
i always am glimpsing two hours behind,
and there you are, a shadow,
one i can't seem to let go of no matter how hard i try.

i'm sure it is because there was no closure.
so many lies and misconceptions.
blame was too easily placed,
it made it easier for us to drift, i've concluded.
do you still think of me?
and if so, is there a smile
attached to those sour memories?
mine are bittersweet, and far from dwindling.
there is a candle that you and i lit three years ago,
one that refuses to be put out
no matter how many buckets of water
i manage to pour upon the wax.
(i think it a good thing.
it reminds me of where i've came,
what i've done, and what i cease to do.)

if we were able to one day
reach the point where
we could have a civil, non-superficial conversation
we could rediscover and reinvent ourselves.
(but i'm sure you're as
happy with your life as i am with mine.)
please don't block me again,
i'm not exactly reaching.
i really don't want to piss you off
or put you out. i can't stress that enough.

but these things have been
on my heart for months,
and i'm starting to crack at the seams
if i don't let them speak.

09/04/2003

Author's Note: i've been writing a lot of letters. i think eventually i'm going to put them all in their own folder. however, this one had a particular ring to it, and it seemed more a piece than a letter anyway.

Posted on 09/08/2003
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