Today we will go meet the Red people. Aye, yes. The red people. They are often called communists, but have no clue where Russia even is or whom Stalin is. It is hard to be entirely red, how is one to know when you are blushing or dying of heat stroke? I attempted to ask these questions of their leader Mikhail.

Me: Hi!

Mikhail: Hello. Why are you here?

Me: To interview you. Remember? Didn’t they call you?

Mikhail: Who is this “they” that you speak of? Does “they” know who killed Trotsky? I mean, wait…….what?

Me: The interview….

Mikhail: Yes…..the interview. Well, I seriously have no idea who this Stalin guy is that everyone keeps bringing up? And this Russia place… sounds great and all, but I am not a fan of poor countries that live off of Vodka and are cold. And further more, why would I want to deal with a country that is associated with Hitler?! He was a great guy, I mean, he did introduce people to bigger ovens and higher cooking temperatures, but still, he is rumored to have been a stickler for political correctness, and I have to be able to call white people crackers.

Me: Well….umm…okay. Can I talk to you about some of your culture and plans for your people?

Mikhail: Our culture? It does not involve prostitutes, cocaine, or that song, “Sk8ter Boi.”
As for my people, they will not be individuals!! I will squash individuality like a bug! And then watch it squirm it’s last few seconds.

Me: Wow….that is great. Umm…does being red pose problems? Do you find it hard to tell when you are angry or embarrassed?

Mikhail: Anger….no. We never get angry. Well except for when fascist dictators approach nice normal equality based countries and say things like: “America hates you! Join our side or we tear and burn down your cities and take away your free cable.”

Me: Right. That never happens. So, I think we are about down for today. Anything you would like to add?

Mikhail: Damn the man! And never ever let anyone tell you that a doctor and a janitor can’t be paid the same wage. They can!


See…no communist influences what so ever….

08/04/2003

Author's Note: This is episode 1 of the second season.

Posted on 08/05/2003
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