I HATE YOU!
I hate it all! I hate the way this makes me feel at night
when I've no good dreams to dream about.
I hate you!
All the things you'll never be to me
all the way you could have been the one
and I had to let you go still
I had to let you go!
Love had me binded
not blinded
and still I hate you.
Only because you remind me of the child I tore,
remind of how I wrenched the heart of a boy
unsuspecting
remind me of how everytime I see your face you see mine
and you ache
and I ache because I don't want you.
I don't want you.
Not as the small child you are.
Not as boy obsessed with "cool"
would you give it all up to be with me now?
Would you throw them away for me?
Why?!
Why would you ever ever consider throwing away what made me leave?
You can't change who you are and what you do.
I can't change myself.
I hate you!! I hate the way the I can't think through the memory
of the night when I crushed you
and heard every tear you choked back
and each one that fell down your cheek
without my own heart wrenching
and my insides squirming with guilt and regret
and genuine sadness.
I hurt you
I never meant to hurt you.
will you ever understand that you and me just can't be?
That I can't love someone 100% who loves me half time,
only when you're with me alone.
It isn't fair to my own pained heart
nor is it fair to yours,
and so I'm sorry.
I wish I could apologize enough to make the hurt go away
but the hurt won't stop until I'm yours again,
and I won't be yours again until you learn how to love
unconditionally,
and not let your girl slip away.
I'm sorry I did
but another love consumed me
and treated me the way you never had
I thought-
I thought-
Was I just a stupid fool
leaving you for what I thought was better?
No, because if I was I would want you back
and I don't.
I don't miss you as a lover
I miss you as the friend I had
the person who was there, and cared
even though he took my love for granted,
the person who I stomped on suddenly
like a blow to the gut out of nowhere.
I hate you
I hate you
I hate--
You know I hate me.
I hate myself for everything I've done to you
and all the pain I caused you
and everything I'm not and you are
and vice versa.
I see me whenever I look at your broken bloodied heart.
I just hate what I see.
I hate myself.

07/15/2003

Author's Note: Thinking about the way I've hurt people. God I hate being human.

Posted on 07/16/2003
Copyright © 2024 Trisha De Gracia