"Ten more cc's adrenaline and hurry! Stay with us Ashley, we just need a little more time to stop all this bleeding."
"Pulse dropping to twenty beats."
"Okay, zap her."
"Clear!"
"Come on, come on! Don't put a blemish on my record, Ashley. Don't do this to me. Stay with us, c'mon you can do it. You're a lawyer you should know how to fight. We need you to fight, now!"
"She's not listening. We're losing her, she's going, she's going..."

"I'm gone?"

Ashley took in her surroundings in sheer disbelief. She was comfortably positioned in a black leather chair on a mountainous ledge with the entire universe stretched out before her. It reminded her of a perfectly clear night when the quivering of the stars hummed to her like a sleepy ballad. Still in the midst of this serenity something just wasn't right. She looked at the edge. It changed positions. Sometimes it would be closer and sometimes farther. It was quite disconcerting. It gave her the constant feeling of being on a roller coaster. After a few moments, she noticed there was something between her and the edge. She couldn't figure out why she hadn't seen it before. In front of her was a poorly constructed plastic wood imitation desk. The type high schools were trying to replace because there were too many pencil marks grooved in the writing surface. Standing behind the desk was an uncomfortable looking wooden stool with a large man sitting atop it.
The man was dressed in old faded denim blue jeans with large fraying rips that exposed two extremely muscular legs. His Harley Davidson T-shirt was stretched tight against his barrel shaped chest and his hair contorted around his head like rose bushes gone awry. He wore a single diamond stud ring in his left ear. In his fists he held yellow No. 2 lead pencils. At that moment, he started to make a tic toc noise...

"Time's up Ashley. You're only allotted ten minutes to adjust to eternity. Now if we could get down to business...”
"Wait a minute, eternity? You mean I'm dead?"
"Congratulations! You guessed it. You are dead. Dead as a door nail. A lot of people have trouble with that concept. Glad you were able to deal with it so effectively and in such short period of time."
"You mean the doctors couldn't help? I'm really dead?"
"Come on Ashley. You're slipping. We got through this part already. You are dead, D E A D dead. No doubt about it or you wouldn't be here. Now repeat after me... I'm dead, I accept it, and I'm willing to get on with the business at hand. Come on, you're a big girl, you can do it."
"No this can't be. I mean, it must be some sort of..."
"Mistake? No, your being dead is not a mistake. The only mistake that happened around here is when I chose the wrong field to major in at Purgatory Falls Community College. Everyone told me to sign up for Natural Disaster Engineer or to become a commercial artist for His Heavenly Splendors Division. But did I do that? No. Now I'm suffering for it. Work keeps piling higher and higher.
"It just so happens you mortals are killing each other off like flies over there, and that means a lot of people out here have to put in more hours. Do you know how inconsiderate that is? I mean, haven't you mortals ever heard of old age? Old age is what we like to call a planned terminal entry date. Planned terminal entry dates are all handled by the Reaper. I don't have to do a damn thing. But whenever a mortal kills a mortal, or when a mortal commits suicide that mortal takes all responsibility away from Death. Then they fall under our jurisdiction."
"Well, excuse me for being the victim of a shooting!"
"I'll try, but I just don't know if I can do it."
"I was being sarcastic!"
"Well, you don't have to get so snippy. Now if you're all settled down, can we please get on with business."
"What is this 'business' you keep talking of, and just exactly who are you?'
"Well, not that who I am is very important, but I'll tell you anyway. My name is Mark Unger and I am you're afterlife caseworker."

Ashley's mouth dropped open. Bureaucracy had slithered its way into the afterlife. She took a good look at her caseworker. He was furiously slinging papers around and mumbling something about going down to a tavern called Pitchforkers after work.

"Okay Ashley, I think I'm all organized now. We'll start your paperwork out, and then see how quickly we can get a reply back, after all, we don't want to keep you from your final reward, now do we?"
"Paperwork? I have to fill out paperwork! What kind of paperwork would I possibly have to fill out for eternity?"
"Well first, we have to submit an application for an 'eternity citizenship number.' Then we must complete your 'sin assessment survey worksheet’ for your final destination determination; and then arrange for a work assignment so you can pay for your travel advance from mortality to here, and from here to your final destination."
"Travel advance! You mean I haven't been in eternity for fifteen minutes yet, and I'm already in debt!"
"Well, like I said before, if you would arrived at your planned terminal entry date you would have been covered by the Solefull Security Agency."
"So Mark, let me see if I have this correct. You're saying because I died by the hands of another mortal and that it wasn't an accident not only do I have to put up with you as a caseworker, but I also have to work my way to my final destination?"
"Exactly."
"Can I see the regulations governing this whole system?"
"Not until you fill out the sin assessment survey."
"Well let's get on with survey then."
"First, I have a few questions to ask you. Are you ready?"
"Sure, why not. Go ahead."
"Name?"
"Ashley Ellen Davis."
"Sex?"
"Female."
"Occupation back in mortality?"
"Lawyer and accountant."
"Did you say, lawyer and accountant?"
"Yes, I did."
"That's fantastic! I believe this is grounds for an immediate destination determination. Would you mind going to Hell?"
"Yes, I certainly do mind!"
"It would save me a ton of paperwork, are you sure?"
"Positive!"
"Well keep it in mind while you fill out this form. Okay?"

Mark handed her a couple of No. 2 lead pencils. She looked down the shaft and it read, Mark Unger: Eternity Consultant and Caseworker. Then, he handed her a form.

"Ashley, I'll try to place you in an appropriate place for your work assignment. If we gave you some training do you think you could answer Ouija Boards?"
"No."

Ashley took a look at the form and began to fill it out...

SIN ASSESSMENT SURVEY WORKSHEET

NAME: Ashley Ellen Davis
E.C.L. #: (not yet assigned)

Have you ever...

1. Been selfish in any way, shape, or form?

Well, I haven't really been selfish. It's more like I've been self-reliant --and we all know that the good Lord helps those who helps themselves. I was just doing what the Lord said to do. That couldn't possibly be selfishness.
After all would the Lord be selfish? Absolutely not. I'll answer that question with a 'no.'

2. Purposefully said 'NO' to your father, mother, or legal guardian with the express purpose of seeing how far you could push your luck?

Well I have said 'no' to my parents, but not with the express purpose of seeing how far I could push my luck. I already knew how far I could push my luck. It would be a lie if I were to answer the entire question with a yes --so I'll answer it with a 'no.'

3. Transgress against any laws particular to your geographic location?

The term 'laws' is such a broad term. Does it mean laws passed by the local legislative body, or does it mean social restrictions placed on us by our social contemporaries? Well it couldn't mean social laws. Those are much too trivial and they're also contingent upon the whims of mankind. Misdemeanors couldn't possibly be incorporated into that definition either --after all they're made up under the whims of mankind and they also are much too trite to be bothered with. And I can safely say that I have never been convicted of a felony act --so I'll answer 'no' to that question.

4. Been in debt, other than your travel advance from mortality to here?

In debt? Nope --unless of course, they mean credit cards. They couldn't possibly mean credit cards. I mean, that's a socially acceptable way of trade. With the interest I pay them it could actually be said that I am buying money. It's not smart, but it's not a sin to be stupid either. That one's a 'no,' too.

5. Been other than truthful in any circumstance?

I've always been truthful. It may take me a while to think up the truth --but I've always been truthful.

6. Been more than ten pounds over or under your ideal weight?

What kind of question is this? Everyone knows not to ask a woman her weight. This must be the male form. I'm sure the heavenly powers would definitely be smarter than to ask a woman this question. I'll just put 'no' and inform them of their mistake later.

7. Smoked, drank alcohol, done drugs, or drank coffee?

I've never smoked. My geneticist told me never to drink alcohol cause I'm predisposed to alcoholism and I've never taken illegal drugs. I drank coffee once --but I didn't swallow. I think this one is a 'no.'

8. Had sex with anything or anyone outside the bounds of marriage?

Sex. Hmm... now let me think about this one for minute. I guess the first thing for me to do is to define the word sex. Sex is a meaningful physical manifestation of love. Well according to that definition, Bill wasn't really a meaningful relationship and therefore that little incident couldn't really be considered 'sex.' Actually, it was probably more like a project. Something to work on at home.
Pete, on the other hand, truly couldn't be considered sex. He was much too small to be considered meaningful and meaningful would definitely have to last more than thirty seconds.
That leaves me with Bronco Buck's Battery-Operated PileDriver 250. Hmm, they may have me on this one. Bronco Buck was definitely a meaningful relationship. In fact, I was closer to it than most people are to their own husbands. I guess by common law that we were married. I mean, we surely lived together long enough. I'm pretty sure that would count. I'll answer 'no' to that question, too.

9. Hurt, killed, or injured anyone?

Never on purpose. That's an easy 'no.'

10. DO YOU FEEL GUILT OVER ANYTHING YOU MAY HAVE
DONE, OR THOUGHT ABOUT DOING?

I should answer 'yes' to one of these questions. I don't want to seem perfect or artificial and this one seems pretty harmless...


"Here, I'm all done with this sin assessment survey worksheet."
"Fantastic! If you can do the rest of the paperwork that quickly we should be out of here in a fairly short period of time. Now, how many questions did you answer 'YES' to?"
"Only one."
"Okay, then you're going to Hell."
"What!?"
"Yep, any 'YES' responses are a direct ticket to Hell."
"That's ridiculous! Review my file. I'm sure you'll find that I have lived a very virtuous life!"
"I'm sorry that's impossible, we don't keep any files on mortals. We just let you fill out your own sin assessment work sheet and if there's any guilt in a person’s heart, it will show on the form. See it's really quite fair, you judge and sentence yourself. Hell lobbied strongly for the sin assessment survey worksheet --and we all know that Hell has the better lawyers."
"You mean if I would have lied on this form and answered every question with a ‘NO,’ I would be going to heaven right now?"
"Yep, that's the general thought."
"Well, that's the most asinine thing I've ever heard. You have to lie to get into heaven! Well let me ask you something Mr. Mark Unger, who do you think you are not to advise me of my rights. Just handing me that form without explaining the consequences of my actions is a criminal act. I intend to appeal this to the next higher court."
"I hate to say this since you're on a roll, but there is no higher court. After you make your own judgment you have to stand on that judgment since the only person you have to blame is yourself. Now if you could just quiet down for a moment, I'll confirm your work assignment so you can pay off your travel advancement."

Ashley started to feel ill. Not only was she going to go to hell, but she was going to have to work to get the right to go. She could hear devils laughing at her. She thought at any moment a band of demons would appear and start singing that infuriating 'Don't worry be happy song' just before they started devouring her.
Suddenly, a phone appeared and began ringing. Mark picked it up and started talking. He looked disheartened all of a sudden and then hung up the telephone.

He turned to Ashley and smiled, "Ashley, I’m sorry to say this but there has been a horrible mistake. If you'll remember the main criteria that places you within our jurisdiction is the fact that you have to die by your own hand or by the hand of another mortal, and the death had to be non-accidental in nature."
"Yes, I remember."
"Well, the Department of Reaping just called to inform us your case is under their jurisdiction."
"How?"
"The other mortal's gun went off by accident."
"So what does this mean to me?"
"Well that means all of this paperwork is null and void and has to be redone when you get over to the Department of Reaping. It also means you are covered by Solefull Security System and you don't have to operate Ouija boards for a travel advance."
"Fantastic! When do I go to the Department of Reaping?"
"In ten years."
"Ten years? What do I do till then."
"Well, it's up to my discretion. You can either work here as an afterlife caseworker or you can go back to earth as an afterlife insurance salesperson."
"Afterlife insurance?"
"Yes, it's a little service I'm offering to mortals in your unique position. You already have the knowledge of the Sin Assessment Survey and you can sell that knowledge for cash back in mortality. I, however, have no need of cash, but I do need a vacation. So for every person who buys a policy, they have to agree to work for me in my place for the span of ten years. That's my offer. Take it, or become like me for ten years."
"I'll take it."

Wanna buy some insurance?

06/28/2003

Posted on 06/29/2003
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