"Hey. Um, I just need to get some of Rebecca's stuff. She's staying off-campus tonight."

I wasn't sure why but she always seemed to fumble over her words when she spoke to me. I didn't know her very well, but I pretended I did. At the beginning of the semester I was shocked to find myself thinking of her as often as I did. She was my roommate's best friend. Most mornings she'd stumble into our room asking Rebecca for breakfast. After devouring a fruity sticky bar of something she'd wish us a good day and most likely shuffle back to bed.

Since I was a very little girl I was dead-set on boys. Boys had always been important. But since my foray into feminism, I'd become somewhat more tolerant towards girls. I still thought of them mostly as blundering and silly but this girl was an exception. She was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen up close and she took long powerful strides like a boy's. Her shiny blonde hair was cut short and I could never even imagine her blow drying it. No make up was discernable on her face, but her bright blue eyes captured attention without the mascara that I so desperately clung to. She smiled a huge but precise smile and never looked silly or pretentious. I think the moment I saw her, the first words she said being "Oh! I didn't see you there! Hi!" that first smile she flashed my direction, I fell in love with her. This was, at first, a shock. I loved boys. One in particular, even. But my feelings toward this girl were not sexual at all. No, I wasn't a lesbian. But I felt that if she'd asked me to paint our dormitory neon yellow, I would have done it in a heartbeat. I wanted to know her. I wanted her to know me, to accept me, to love me. Being the shy little girl that I was, I never felt able to even communicate with this girl. She was so beautiful, so strong. I just wanted to live behind her eyes for a day to see what it was like to be so strong.

And I dreamed about her. Nothing sexual... nothing even very deep. We were just sitting and being girls together and talking like good friends. I had a dream that previous night. The night before she came in to get Rebecca's things. In the dream I confessed how I thought of her – so lofty, exalted, like a goddess – and how it paralyzed me when we spoke, how I was afraid she wouldn't like me; I was too weak. She'd responded so perfectly in the dream. And then there she was, the next day, in my room.

"Oh... okay..." I responded, feeling weak at the sight of her. I loved the outfit she wore – I’d seen it on her a few times before – only a simple black tee shirt and black jeans. A baseball cap pulled over her golden hair looked out of place on a girl that could have modeled if she'd had a mind for it. She didn't and that was another of the things I adored about her. She smiled and laughed a bit and began packing Rebecca's toothbrush and some underwear. I went back to reading my book and self-consciously shifted my legs which had been propped up on the wall. Suddenly the power went out and the light flickered away.

"Aww, bummer," she said, gesturing towards my book. She slowly continued packing. Now was my chance. I should start a conversation. I had to go for it. I closed my book and hoped down off my bed. I walked past her towards the window, now our only source of light. With a delicate, perfectly-formed hand she pulled open our navy curtains to reveal the winter-stricken, now icy and dripping trees outside our dorm. For a moment we stood next to each other calmly. I wanted to speak, to know exactly the words I should say, or to reach out my hand to hers, now silently resting on the windowsill. We sighed simultaneously. A pause. I thought she might have noticed, but she turned wordlessly back to packing. I sighed again, this time in frustration. Now she was walking towards the door. It was now or never.

"I..." I was stopped short by the power returning. The garish lights flickered on. Her skin, which had glowed in the light of the window, returned to its normal but no less stunning shade. She turned to me as she reached for the handle of the door.

"All right! See ya!" She grinned her marvelous grin and floated out of the room.

"Bye..." I managed to utter as the door shut. I would have fallen down had I not been steadying myself on the air conditioner. She was gone. And I promised myself once again "Next time... next time I'll say something..." And I returned to my book.

12/05/2002

Author's Note: I'm mainly posting this cause I wanted Koye to read it. I am also really craving some feedback since it's prose and I don't venture into prose very often. I'll gladly and with gusto accept any advice. Yes, gusto.

Posted on 06/16/2003
Copyright © 2025 Emily G Myers