Dear God;
or whatever unfortunate thing
higher than I
has to listen to me whine
I'm sorry.
Truly, I'm sorry.
To be honest, I don't know what I feel anymore.
Sometimes I think I know who I am
until I look around and see everybody watching me
and I feel very, very lost.
Very little.
I'm scared of alot of things right now.
I'm afraid that I've lost a good friend.
I'm afraid of so many things.
I hurt people, God.
I don't mean to.
I even hurt myself sometimes
with angry things I say to me.
The words that come out of my mouth
aren't proper.
I never have the perfect words to say what I mean.
And sometimes, you know
sometimes it's just too, too funny,
because the smallest things can make my day brighter.
I find myself wishing that anyone would do something
just to see the smile on my face
just to give me joy
but I think, I think you make your own joy
like you make your own luck
it doesn't work so much with love, I think.
You can't make your own love.
But I DO think the more love you give, the more you get.
In general, really.
I don't know.
I DO know that I don't get the chance to talk with you much
whoever you are.
I sort of just bumble through life
here and there.
I find when I talk it out to me or whoever else is listening
I feel alot like I can make it through.
But I'm scared, I'm afraid, and I am so sorry.
I think all I really need is a hug.
An embrace.
One that comes without being asked for
the kind that means "I care about you"
not from anyone specific,
although there are a few people that that would be very helpful from.
I just need to be cared for.
I feel quite dependent saying that to you
or anyone
but, I guess
we're all a bit dependent aren't we?
Does it make me a strong person to be able to say that?
That right now, I need somebody?
Does it make one stronger to admit a weakness?
It's temporary. I don't ALWAYS need people...
but tonite I just want to be held
and I won't be, which bites.
I think I'll play guitar, then sleep a bit.
Tomorrow I'll smile.
Tonite's a minor valley.

-Trish

06/13/2003

Author's Note: Call me crazy, but I do this sometimes when I'm feeling odd... like, actually talk it out. It makes me feel not so alone.

Posted on 06/14/2003
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